Relationships from a survivor of Human Trafficking

A roller coaster ride

It’s taken me a long time and a lot of personal work to heal and come to terms with my life experiences.

But despite the growth and healing

I still struggle with the concept of relationship.

I first got to know this man, I saw him in his natural day to day life, you know like how you are before you’ve brushed your teeth. And the more I got to know him the more I found myself smitten with him, with not only his appearance but his character traits and after well over a year, I decided to take the plunge. We are now a couple and have been for over a year though the date we decided to take the plunge alludes me.

Relationships are such  strange thing. I cringe at how dependant I now feel, I have never felt comfortable with feeling comfortable maybe it’s a form a sabotage, who knows. I try to keep the reigns tight. I try to drive my emotions as oppose to them driving me.  I try to remind myself that I am deserving of care and love.

Then there’s those little things, you know the ones that are really irrelevant that can drive one nuts. Sometimes I think they are an excuse to avoid

this relationship stuff if so new to me, to learn to drop my guard, to allow myself to feel safe and protected at least to the best of his ability.

My first sexual abuse started when i was two or three, at around eight I was rented out and at 34 I escaped the hell I had lived in. When I came to Hamilton I started to grow into my skin. To claim my voice, set my boundaries and take up space for myself. All this was so foreign to me, as is being in a relationship. Sometimes I get antsy and expect the other shoe to fall and so far it hasn’t fallen.

I remember being terrified to have sexual intimacy without the use of drugs, flashbacks would flood in an/or I would disassociate, not intentionally but more so automatically. I still find myself struggling with that I don’t think that will ever change. Being connected more so now than ever before brings a new freshness to the pain I hid from for so many years. My disconnection happened so long ago its truly all I have ever know.

Now in a relationship learning to share myself with another, yikes. It’s time to transform what was, to hold onto to my boundaries while learning to let go, to trust.

that’s all i can write for now

 

 

 

Life, it’s a dedication, a slice of

Today has been a whirlwind but then if I reflect over my lifetime here on this planet, its always been that way to some degree with moments of complete sense of serenity and peace and moments of pure hell. for as long as I can remember.  As a survivor of pretty much all kinds of foul shit, from #sexualabuse before I could walk to severe #addiction issues, to surviving #humantrafficking, #streetlife. As I reflect back, I am aware that more than half my life in the beginning was filled with no good memories, absent of kindness. A full view and experience of the underbelly of society, of below sewer level of life. Yet despite that in the last twenty years plus, I have cleaned up, attending college, graduated with honours, made a positive impact in the world, got married, got divorced and had a wonderful daughter whom I am so very proud of, who has taught me  selflessness, unconditional love and she is my heart and at the core of my everything, I’ve moved cities, created a couple of shows; #BorderLineMe and #NoDickPicsPlease, told my story and what really amazes me is just how life unfolds with its twist and turns. It’s boomerangs, hurdles and smooth flowing stillness, it’s been a wild ride with intense contrast. As I write to heal, to stay healthy, to process it all, I find that I am also struck by the fragments, the at times what feels like a piece of a piece of a puzzle, you know like a broken bit of what was a corner piece perhaps. There’s a deep sadness with comes with that, there’s a loss of details, of facts and then there’s the reality of not being able to count on ones memories in any cohesive manner and wishing some memories or should I call them nightmares, things horror movies are based on is a line my daughter wrote to me a most cherished letter are made of. It’s complete opposites. I’m left questioning what was even real, it all seems sometimes so distant at times and other times the past seems so real in my present day. There’s a women here in this city who likes to stir the pot, poke the bear so to speak, she contributes to the fears most of us have experienced to whether or not we are going to be believed. Three are some transference issues that she disclosed to me when I reached out to her in her dark moment that came to light but that’s not my fault and certainly didn’t justify her cruellness. Ironically she also stood with many of us and our signs #webelievethesurvivors”  when we protested, shit like this pulls me back into questioning everything. She has caused me much pain but even from her I have gained and learned, in this case I learned to take a step back though due to my diagnosis I am still struggling with letting go of her hurtful words and cruel actions as she lambasted me with in the summer past. Did any of this happen to me, yes it did. There’s a dark place that flows beneath the surface on most days though I do work at keeping it at arm’s length but the older I get the closer its seems to be on the rise, showing up totally uninvited, fucking #flashbacks. I try to find the words, sometimes I crave a large space to paint without being concerned about the mess, to let go of all holds bar and paint what I cannot express with words. I can feel the painting aching to come out, I can almost see the feeling of the space where it’ll be created though I have no preconceived knowledge of where that might be, so I free fall and here’s a radical shift, I trust the universe, not based on distance past experience but based on the present in the here and now, wow. This is truly as a result of my tribe, you, the people who take the time to reach out, to offer a comment of loving support and encouragement. I would be nowhere without you. You truly have etched a permanent seat in my heart, all of you. For every interaction I have gained and I am so grateful. So I started writing this last night, the news of the third #suicide in 4 months hit home once again. I struggle with the #stigma related to suicide and here’s my attempt to shift the definition of it all, as with suicide most instinctualy see it as an action, the act of taking one’s life, puts a lot of ownership on the person which flows over onto their family, friends and especially children. I’ve decided to see suicide as no different then cancer. The health issue is under the umbrella of #mentalhealth which is as valid as #physicalhealth. #MentalHealth is a #disease, no one asked for it, I know I certainly didn’t, some of mine is as a result of the abuse that occurred in my life and probably some of that is related to my own wiring, or perhaps passed on in the gene pool. This writing is dedicated to Michelle Fabris, my cousin Mike Gillick,  Jocelyn Katz may they all rest in peace.

It is also dedicated to every #facebook person I’m connected too, for every kind word and act I get to witness as it all contributes to keeping me here, to making the path a tad more tolerable. Kindness is healing, kindness is the only way to go and to be. Funny I was recently interviewed for the Spec #WhoWhatWear and it brought me back to an incident, my first choice has always been being second-hand, recycled clothing for many reasons; one being good on the environment, less waste, and let’s face it the quality of vintage delightful. Plus sometimes you even get to know the stories behind the item you’re buying. Years ago, I bought a used backpack which the original owner shared her adventures thru the mountains of Mexico with me, that bag is now a part of the BorderLineMe show, along with the bag I bought a nifty black cap with #MeanPeopleSuck embroidered on it, how ironic that someone stole it, isn’t ironic.

Life hold on cause it can be one hell of a ride

#naptime

Shifting tides, humaness

A MOUTH FULL

What I’ve learned and experienced, the short version

I was born into a disconnect of human contact, no that’s not true. My family was emotionally unavailable, unable and it was during a twisted time of the 50’s, concepts that had most people pantomiming life and negating inner true selves. It wasn’t a disconnect of human contact but was a connect of adult connect imposed upon me, a child. My life began and was entrenched in sexual abuse, adult situations that no child has the ability to cope with. I grew and the turmoil I experienced grew within me with no healthy outlet. I eventually came to believe that if bad shit happened I seem to always be at the core of it. I believed you can trust people, you can always trust that they will fuck you over, maybe not today but eventually. I was fucked, robbed beaten, sold, caged and tortured. My outlook of human kind was as a result of my experience, which reinforced the world as an unsafe uncaring place. I felt for most of my life that this gift called life was a cruel joke and life was like a jail sentence with only one way out.

I want to express the shift that has unfolded in my life.

Recently having been hospitalized, the intensity of not being able to catch my breath along with influenza B with the reality of possibly not making it thru, much reflecting transpired.

The flood of messages, visits and outpour of love is very much for me the other side of the coin, having gone from darkness into the light as a result of love, amazes me. I am not sure words can express the impact you folks have had on this little old gal. I still cautiously approach the feelings as if in a surreal dream like state. I want to jump in it. Craving to immerse my body as if sliding into a warm bath secure and blanketed. I #persist regardless of my past, I want so very much to soak it all in to my every pore. My hesitation is not a conscious one but more so as a result of my past and the reality that our bodies store memories and we at times unconsciously hesitate. But I plow thru because I deserve to feel what is being offered, my eyes tear up with overwhelmed sensation of love and I take 2 steps back. But I persist, I am worthy.

Sometimes in our busy day and social media we hit like, hearts, tears. A quick word posted in response to. I am overwhelmed, floored and so deeply touched by the love and caring that was expressed. I am so grateful words cannot do it justice. For all of you who checked in on me who expressed care and good wishes, I thank you. Believe it or not, you are my lifeline. You play an integral role in making new good memories and experiences for me. The road I’ve travelled has been a hard one but at the latter end of this stretch, you have played a part in shifting what was into what is and what is beautiful. You have made a world of difference to me and as a result this impacts everything I do, its help make me the woman I am, the mother I am and I have a kick ass exceptionally wonderful daughter. It takes a village and what a village I have.

I want to write more but I have to pull myself together and it takes me quite a bit longer to do stuff, so for now I am signing off

Altered time

I’ve had what some may say it is whirlwind of life experiences. When a childhood is stolen, emotional growth has a tendency of stagnating. I have worked really hard on learning to drive my emotions as opposed to them driving me. But last night was brutal as I lay in a hospital bed, I can hear the poor woman in the next room crying for 7 hours “help me” in a weak shaky voice. It was as if I was transported in time over 30 years ago. Locked away in darkness with a desperation that filled the air and was all encompassing. I’m triggered beyond belief though I keep reminding myself “help” is no longer my voice but my neighbours. I feel so attached to the sentiment I feel it being woven into my being and time has shifted as I try to get a grip and get grounded into the present moment. So many triggers

I want to go home now

Shedding Light On My Internal Debate

I’ve recently been thinking about this whole #politicallycorrect thing. I hear mostly comments against it especially initially when it was becoming a thing which was usually followed by statements such as; I tell it like it is. I can’t help cringe to some degree by this remark, as one can only state how something is from their own perception  and #perspective which doesn’t mean it fits for everyone. We are such a holier than thou society, entrenched in righteousness, political correctness. Personally, I think we missed the mark and maybe its the word, correct that sent us all a stray. Political sensitivity, now that seems to me like a much better fit. It’s not about being right, correct but having sensitivity to others, from our commonalities to our differences. I would assume the goal initially was not to cause another pain, discomfort where this whole hoopla began. So where’s the sensitivity, how is statements such as I tell it like it is, came to be. Who’s measuring stick are you using. Sometimes I wonder what happened to common sense maybe it moved, maybe it’s gone forever after all look who got voted in the states., I mean #Trump really, what are people thinking. When I look at what’s happening in the world I get terribly #depressed, I shrink and my fear grows. I have found the only way for me to survive is to keep shifting my focus, as I’m not aiming to stick my head in the sand though the idea of that seems, oh so tempting at times. This year has offered some great experiences, new challenges and wonderful new friends. It has also offered up a number of losses. I often feel as if I’m on a roller coaster ride with the ups and downs, might as well throw in a few sideways too.  I do believe it all boils down the sensitivity and common sense both seem to be all to often missing in action. I’m tired of being told I’m to sensitive, #IamwhatIam otherwise I’d be different. I don’t believe I’m to sensitive. I’m not looking at becoming desensitized to the world around me but man, sometimes I do need to take shelter and step back from the goings on in this world. This year I’ve focused on taking risks, shedding my fear, living and getting comfortable in my own skin.

Just some stuff to think about

Wishing you all a very happy healthy new year

http://www.robinzee.com

Empath & narcissist – relationships

I was reading this article this morning and thought I’d share some of my experience and lessons learned.

I am an empath, that I doubt will ever change nor do I think I want it too. However I needed to learn not to internalize the emotions of others as if there were my own. I looked at the issues and emotions I do have that are my own and came to realize that there was really no room on my plate to take on responsibility or ownership of another’s. Nor is it my place to do so. Juggling that line between being #empathic and self care is an on going monitoring issue, as the root of my foundation and the majority of my life has been to set mine aside on behalf of others which never resulted in an end result that was in anyway beneficially to me. I have dealt with this with strangers, friends, lovers and family, drained dry and then toss aside triggered oh God, dare I say, a martyr in me. When I stopped to think at where this would lead me, it was clear to see, the end results could be; bitter in my old age, resentful, suicidal, hatred all those nasty things that I really didn’t want to aspire to becoming.

Something had to change.

So often it’s so easy to get caught up in the change or criticism of others, after all it’s easier to look outward at what the other needs to change as oppose to working on one’s own. Plus the points regarding dealing with a taker, a #narcissist are valid there’s no question about that but what I discovered is it’s somewhat like asking a liar to tell you the truth and eventually it ends up feeling as if I was banging my head against a brick wall and only felt as if I was sinking further into despair.

So what had to change was me, I didn’t want to give up being empathic but I needed to learn to set my own boundaries. It’s a full time job initially. I was always known as the gal who made a B-line for the worse mother fucker in the room. The person who needed rescuing.

I don’t know if this helps anybody, me sharing the journey, if it does great, if it doesn’t, oh well, so be it.

Giving and receiving is a two way street, I am not responsible for your behaviour I just know that at the end of the line, I don’t want to feel as if I’ve been taken, I don’t want to be used and tossed aside. Now I watch to see if I am feeling drained at the end of any encounter because I’ve had more than my fair share of vampire encounters.

Putting in the work I needed to do on me, brought me a sense of freedom and in reality it’s the only thing I have any control over.

Wishing y’all good #mentalhealth and a well balanced #relationship ❤

Grateful for, the reality behind my gratitude

I’m having a struggle creating my 3things I’m grateful for list. I keep shaking my head, good God it’s only 3 things, really how hard can it be & even though I push myself, this lately is not coming naturally & I know why. I struggle a lot to breath lately, it’s scary, it reminds me time is limited, it triggers my past when there was no space for me to be or to breath, triggering memories of when trauma first hit home and took my breath away silently. Today I need to speak to lessen the intensity of my memories. It’s frustrating to feel ones closing in on an end as there’s so much I still want to do, if only I could catch my breath 

3things I’m grateful for 

1-I’m grateful that I was able to express what I’m struggling with

2-I’m grateful for sunshine, makes such a huge difference for me 

3-I’m grateful that I’ve made this far, all things considering it’s really a fucking miracle 

The struggle is real

Today I got up. I noticed the energy thief, Awareness is key but really not being able to breath is also taxing me. Something has got to change.  On rainy days my well being tends to sink. I don’t want to be at the mercy of the weather, I don’t want to be at the mercy of anything.

Oh, sunny days, I still have to push myself up to some degree but the difference amazes me but these rainy days are killing me. As I age I’m more in tune and sensitive to what impacts me.  Oh these rainy days, the struggle is real and I’m feeling the weight of my past gone awry and present often feels so heavy. Something has got to change, perhaps a thicker more intense layer of gratitude focus would do the trick, certainly wouldn’t hurt me. Today I got up and today I’m giving myself permission to go back to sleep, as this is all so bloody draining. At least I can say there was some productivity and now I’m ready for more zzzz’s.

Praying for sunshine

Knowing I can weather the storm

I am a survivor, I must keep my head above the water

All will be well,

This

A reminder for me-weathering the storm, maybe the sky will be blue tomorrow 

 

Something to reflect on

You are not your job. You are also not your Instagram account, your Facebook account, or the number of followers you have on Twitter. You are not your car, nor your house. You are not your muscles or your fat. You are not your acne nor your perfect skin. You are not your children, nor your friends, nor people you impress at cocktail parties and/or at dive bars. Glad we got that out of the way!
We’ve established what you are not, so let’s dive into who you are — what your purpose in life is. Complete the following exercise either on paper or online in your MyMLC Journal (a free service we offer to help you keep track of your Soul Workout exercises). Answer each question as honestly as you can. Don’t think about what the answer should be. Instead, answer from your heart. Write the answer that intuitively emerges from the still, small voice inside you. You might read What It Means to Be Honest With Yourself — another Soul Workout post — before you start. It will also help to read The Journey Begins by Rabbi Simon Jacobson, which explains the process of discovering your personal mission, based on thousands of years of mystical teachings.
For some of you, the first answer that comes to mind will be the answer from your soul. For others, the questions might require thought, journaling, or meditation. Do what works best for you.
Question One: In three words, describe your personality.
Question Two: List five of your most dominant interests.
Question Three: Describe your character, including your virtues, vices, strengths, and weaknesses.
Question Four: List the past four opportunities that opened doors for you. Who faciliated those opportunities?
Question Five: In the coming year, what opportunities would you like to have open to you?
Question Six: Who are the people who you most often deal with? List the greatest joy(s) and the greatest challenge(s) in dealing with them.
Question Seven: If you have a mentor, describe what you admire about your mentor. If you do not yet have a mentor, describe what qualities you’d like your mentor to have — qualities which you would like to emulate.
Question Eight: List the places where you have lived. What possibilities did each place offer you?
Question Nine: List the places where you have traveled to. You can list just the ones that had a clear effect on you, or all of them. In each place, what changed in you as a result of your visit? What did visiting each place teach you?
The next step is to review your answers with a trusted friend or mentor. What conclusions about your life’s mission can you draw? Where have you been in life, and where do you want to go in life? Your answers to the nine questions above should give you a picture of what you can contribute to the world — what you can contribute to your community, to your friends and family, to your work. Look out for the unique life experiences that have shaped you, as well as what future experiences you would like to have. Your purpose in life will emerge from reviewing your answers.

Sign up now for your FREE MyMLC account and get access to a variety of resources, including a daily journal, to record the growth and progress of your daily soul workouts and meaningful journey.

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I have to run with this I can’t sit back and say nothing. I pondered over this during the day.

I have walked on the edge many times, unsure if I would be able to survive, grasping to hold onto my sanity and many times wanting to release my grip. I have lost to many friends and relatives to suicide and came to believe that they did not kills themselves, their disease did.

If we looked at #MentalHealth issues for example #depression, #bipolar, #BorderlinePersonality, #PTSD they are no different than the disease of #cancer or #DisassociativeDisorder would it not change our views and help dissolve the #stigma that is attached? After all neither persons asked for this to happen.

discussion from recent posting on Facebook, a thought crossed my mind;
I believe wishful thinking can be put into action, mental health has stolen many lives in many ways including #suicide. When someone dies from cancer or another other physical disease we don’t attach stigma, maybe its time to start referring to it as a disease so that for those that don’t get it maybe start too.
Does anyone else struggle with the idea of calling #MentalIllness and/or #MentalHealthIssues a #disease?
or is it just me though i do think it could alter the stigma and for that reason alone I could adapt to the term disease.

I’m putting this out there again because I honestly want to hear from folks who have been diagnosed how the label to disease would/could impact them.

As I stated I’m not exactly comfortable with it myself but I would be willing to make the shift if there was any possibility of it having a positive impact on dissolving the impact of #stigma.

The #stigma that is attached to #MentalHealth issues can be so painful. Actually there are absolutely no redeeming qualities to stigma. It’s a lack of understanding, without understanding their can be little #compassion, #empathy and though it is most likely not intentional harm but #harmful nevertheless.