What does a New year mean, Shana Tova

As the Lunar #JewishNewYear approaches I prepare myself to end one chapter and beginning a new.

For me it has been a process of reflecting over the year that is passing, like an inventory, tying up loose ends, owning my part and repairing any damages and asking for forgiveness. So if there is anyone I have wronged and/or caused pain, I humbly beg your forgiveness.

This is also a time at looking at what I want to improve as Im not a big fan of saying sorry over and over for the same shit. So this goes beyond running around saying I’m sorry. It goes right down under, self improvement, character building. Last year my goal was the trim the fat, not body fat, bullshit fat, towards the end of this year I discovered some of my own personal fat, things like over worrying about everything to me qualifies as fat.

Bottom line is I just wanna be the best I can be, I am a work in progress and hope to always be, inching my way along

This has been a rough year for me but on the other hand I had great support and found much tender loving care. I am glad I survived the year, there were a few really rough patches, I look forward to a New Year and making some much needed and desired changes.

Shana Tova to the world, may Light shines on us all

Shana Tova – May you have a good year!!
כתיבה וחתימה טובה

“May it be written and may it be sealed
that you have a new year that brings
fulfillment and joy, peace and prosperity, health and wisdom.”

 

Suicide prevention day, an inside story

Having loss numerous friends to #suicide, today I take time to reflect on their lives. To #honour those who left, the ones I knew and those I never had a chance to meet, those impacted by the loss and my own struggles too. My heart breaks knowing the pain they endured and we all have our line in the sand of what we can handle. Who are we to judge, like the saying  goes”walk a mile in my shoes” is an easy catch to say though not so easy to are these words to live by. I’m finding all to often words lack substance and follow thru. My insecurities are fuelled and my struggle with #PTSD, #anxiety, #depression and #borderlinepersonality are also contributing factors

I have walked on the edge myself a number of times. I looked up to the sky aching to leave followed by unsuccessful attempts. I understand wanting to leave, human beings can be so cruel. Kindness, inclusion, tenderness and empathy can make a world of difference in persons life. I know its not always easy to set ones one aside. All to often we don’t stop to think of the impact of reacting has on others, sometimes until its to late.

Lately my plate is overloaded, I’m holding on by a thread. What keeps me going my daughter, family and friends and years of therapy though often turns into to feelings of being sentenced to remain and that’s okay, it is what it is.

So many stories shared raw gut emotions splattered onto paper. Within the mind of my suicidal thoughts; I’m so tired and I’m not sure I have the energy or stamina to get through another day. I’ve gone through a life time of sexual abuse, beatings, addiction, street life, flashbacks and empty promises. I’m so tired I just want the pain to stop. I don’t understand the world I love in. I’m not sure how to be and I feel as if I don’t fit and I’m not really sure I want too from what I see maybe i need to shift my focus, find my tribe, a place where those who love me unconditionally & accept me. People turn their care on and off seemly so easily. I have huge trust issues thats no secret.

Borrowed from #SimpleOrganicLife this photo resinated with me and Im hoping its okay that I’m sharing it.

I’m to tired to write anymore on this topic but so wanted and needed to write something especially today it being #WorldSuicidePreventionDay

There are also so many people that have touched my life in such profound ways that I give thanks too my daughter, some friends and some strangers.

 

 

 

The etiquette of the virtual world & my sanity

It’s certainly a learning curve navigating through the virtual world, not like being on the phone or face to face, thats for sure.

Dating exchanges play out as if you are face to face, opening lines like “how are you”, “hey”or “how was your weekend” but the reality is we are total strangers and thats a loaded question from a stranger. We are not face to face therefor some adjustments could be made. Taking into consideration that these lines though fine face to face are extremely limiting in a virtual world, after all hows a person suppose to answer these; I’m fine, my weekend was good all seem rather boring to me. Seems to me that one can get into a conversation and then the other person disappears and yes I am certainly guilty of this as well. This one doesn’t trigger me nearly as much as the one below. However in counselling practice I can say I’ve had a number of clients whoever sense of #selfesteem & #mentalhealth, sense of well being has been impacted on.

This happens on Facebook as well though not a dating site though sadly some do hit on you as if it is and thats creepy, guys and I wish they’d knock it off.

However I’m talking about within the chat private message box with friends and family. Lately I’ve had a few incidents where I’ve sent private messages, I see the person has been on line and yet they have never replied to the pm. So I’m left questioning the etiquette of the virtual world and yes it does play havoc on my mental health and sense of being. It triggers insecurities, I wonder if no answer is an answer in itself, after all even busy or not now would suffice, anything but to get nothing no acknowledgment at all. How does one progress that. I hear things like don’t let it bother you but truth is it does, its not that it’s crippling and I work at not obsessing over it and yes I said work at it. I try to see the humour in it but its a stretch. Have you ever been standing with someone life in a line up and they either went to the loo or whatever you turn around to discover you are talking to yourself, haha but they usually come back and it is rather giggly since everyone around you seems to be able to relate to it but how does it work in the virtual world cause it doesn’t tickle my funny bone at all, folks.

I’d rather hear something anything, than be left dangling in the wind. So what the hell is the proper etiquette on line.  I am asking cause for me personally I feel rude not replying (I can hear met parents voice echoing regarding manners) even a “not now” since there are times I do not want to talk and that’s ok. Im also aware that folks are not on 24/7 though some are and regardless there is not always time cause life stuff is happened. So I’m not suggesting immediacy but eventually, what the fuck up is for me is when I see they’ve been on line, they’ve posted and yet they can’t bother replying to a pm. Its sends a pretty clear message to me though Im not always sure how to process this or deal with it maybe the answer for me is to not bother dealing with it at all, after no reply is a message in itself. Cause its not at all like being on the phone, is it? What do you think?