Shifting tides, humaness

A MOUTH FULL

What I’ve learned and experienced, the short version

I was born into a disconnect of human contact, no that’s not true. My family was emotionally unavailable, unable and it was during a twisted time of the 50’s, concepts that had most people pantomiming life and negating inner true selves. It wasn’t a disconnect of human contact but was a connect of adult connect imposed upon me, a child. My life began and was entrenched in sexual abuse, adult situations that no child has the ability to cope with. I grew and the turmoil I experienced grew within me with no healthy outlet. I eventually came to believe that if bad shit happened I seem to always be at the core of it. I believed you can trust people, you can always trust that they will fuck you over, maybe not today but eventually. I was fucked, robbed beaten, sold, caged and tortured. My outlook of human kind was as a result of my experience, which reinforced the world as an unsafe uncaring place. I felt for most of my life that this gift called life was a cruel joke and life was like a jail sentence with only one way out.

I want to express the shift that has unfolded in my life.

Recently having been hospitalized, the intensity of not being able to catch my breath along with influenza B with the reality of possibly not making it thru, much reflecting transpired.

The flood of messages, visits and outpour of love is very much for me the other side of the coin, having gone from darkness into the light as a result of love, amazes me. I am not sure words can express the impact you folks have had on this little old gal. I still cautiously approach the feelings as if in a surreal dream like state. I want to jump in it. Craving to immerse my body as if sliding into a warm bath secure and blanketed. I #persist regardless of my past, I want so very much to soak it all in to my every pore. My hesitation is not a conscious one but more so as a result of my past and the reality that our bodies store memories and we at times unconsciously hesitate. But I plow thru because I deserve to feel what is being offered, my eyes tear up with overwhelmed sensation of love and I take 2 steps back. But I persist, I am worthy.

Sometimes in our busy day and social media we hit like, hearts, tears. A quick word posted in response to. I am overwhelmed, floored and so deeply touched by the love and caring that was expressed. I am so grateful words cannot do it justice. For all of you who checked in on me who expressed care and good wishes, I thank you. Believe it or not, you are my lifeline. You play an integral role in making new good memories and experiences for me. The road I’ve travelled has been a hard one but at the latter end of this stretch, you have played a part in shifting what was into what is and what is beautiful. You have made a world of difference to me and as a result this impacts everything I do, its help make me the woman I am, the mother I am and I have a kick ass exceptionally wonderful daughter. It takes a village and what a village I have.

I want to write more but I have to pull myself together and it takes me quite a bit longer to do stuff, so for now I am signing off

Empath & narcissist – relationships

I was reading this article this morning and thought I’d share some of my experience and lessons learned.

I am an empath, that I doubt will ever change nor do I think I want it too. However I needed to learn not to internalize the emotions of others as if there were my own. I looked at the issues and emotions I do have that are my own and came to realize that there was really no room on my plate to take on responsibility or ownership of another’s. Nor is it my place to do so. Juggling that line between being #empathic and self care is an on going monitoring issue, as the root of my foundation and the majority of my life has been to set mine aside on behalf of others which never resulted in an end result that was in anyway beneficially to me. I have dealt with this with strangers, friends, lovers and family, drained dry and then toss aside triggered oh God, dare I say, a martyr in me. When I stopped to think at where this would lead me, it was clear to see, the end results could be; bitter in my old age, resentful, suicidal, hatred all those nasty things that I really didn’t want to aspire to becoming.

Something had to change.

So often it’s so easy to get caught up in the change or criticism of others, after all it’s easier to look outward at what the other needs to change as oppose to working on one’s own. Plus the points regarding dealing with a taker, a #narcissist are valid there’s no question about that but what I discovered is it’s somewhat like asking a liar to tell you the truth and eventually it ends up feeling as if I was banging my head against a brick wall and only felt as if I was sinking further into despair.

So what had to change was me, I didn’t want to give up being empathic but I needed to learn to set my own boundaries. It’s a full time job initially. I was always known as the gal who made a B-line for the worse mother fucker in the room. The person who needed rescuing.

I don’t know if this helps anybody, me sharing the journey, if it does great, if it doesn’t, oh well, so be it.

Giving and receiving is a two way street, I am not responsible for your behaviour I just know that at the end of the line, I don’t want to feel as if I’ve been taken, I don’t want to be used and tossed aside. Now I watch to see if I am feeling drained at the end of any encounter because I’ve had more than my fair share of vampire encounters.

Putting in the work I needed to do on me, brought me a sense of freedom and in reality it’s the only thing I have any control over.

Wishing y’all good #mentalhealth and a well balanced #relationship ❤

The struggle is real

Today I got up. I noticed the energy thief, Awareness is key but really not being able to breath is also taxing me. Something has got to change.  On rainy days my well being tends to sink. I don’t want to be at the mercy of the weather, I don’t want to be at the mercy of anything.

Oh, sunny days, I still have to push myself up to some degree but the difference amazes me but these rainy days are killing me. As I age I’m more in tune and sensitive to what impacts me.  Oh these rainy days, the struggle is real and I’m feeling the weight of my past gone awry and present often feels so heavy. Something has got to change, perhaps a thicker more intense layer of gratitude focus would do the trick, certainly wouldn’t hurt me. Today I got up and today I’m giving myself permission to go back to sleep, as this is all so bloody draining. At least I can say there was some productivity and now I’m ready for more zzzz’s.

Praying for sunshine

Knowing I can weather the storm

I am a survivor, I must keep my head above the water

All will be well,

This

A reminder for me-weathering the storm, maybe the sky will be blue tomorrow 

 

Stolen curiosity impacts

It was the night before winter Solstices, the shortest day of the year, the longest night of the year. On my way to my first rehearsal having arrived early, I climbed up the stairs to the top where I found Barbara and a precocious two year old, who climbed into the cardboard box opened the jar of small plastic animals and proceeded to show me what she had, counting them, making animals sounds and giggling. Barbara commented on the amazing curiosity a child has at this stage. I remember when my daughter was that age and all through her right of passages I remember her curiosity with everything. I remember watching her in awe, totally bewildered and I probably watched her to much. She really does shine beyond belief. I was in total awe, I don’t remember having that curiosity as a child and not because I don’t remember but because that right of passing and it is a right of passage a part of the essential development of us human beings was stolen from me though childhood sexual abuse. I am so painfully aware of its absence, like a gapping black hole. I still carry the awkwardness and internal and external judgment from venturing there now in such adult years that I am. Yet having had that curiosity and innocence stolen still leaves a tainted craving to allow it to explore it at this stage, where it is no longer acceptable now may it even be possible to regain. Somethings lost cannot not be regained. I am left with that truth forever, still the emotions that are triggered at the witnessing of the curiosity of a child is bitter sweet, my eyes tear up in awe as it is such a magical state of being, such as essential part of our development and such a strange venture to continue life with its stolen absence.

And yet, life goes on years of intense darkness yet here I found myself a half century later immersed in Light. Life’s twist and turns, I always knew there was a another side of the fence though I’m not sure how I knew maybe it was that I got to periodically witness my siblings living it but regardless I just knew but I had no idea how to get there, how to jump the fence over into the light and it wasn’t a simple jump more so a process of unfolding and here I am, standing in the Light. Good things happening in my myself, productive and experiences so many new things, things I wish I could say I had dreamed of, but my dreams for the most part was surviving. I do however have a fleeting flash in pan memory when I moved to Niagara Falls and entered their high school, it was the stage that caught the corner of my eye then gone poof. I didn’t dare, I couldn’t, I shouldn’t, I was unable

the stage memory infiltrated during my first second round class with #SoulOtheatre, its moments like these that are embedded within me and rise to the light like a seed planted. Now I’m writing, preforming and in the show, from back stage into the spot light.

Sometimes I find myself aware of the awe of the changes and wonderful things happening in my life. It’s overwhelming delight that I find myself hesitant to touch and explore. Hesitancy a thread that runs from beginning but hopefully not to the end. I remind myself I am worthy, I am recouping, I am allowed to enjoy and explore this to the full extent.

Hesitancy, a thread that is so familiar to me, a life time relationship we’ve had. One that I want to sever and will do my best of my ability to break the tights that bind us, as its been like walking a tight rope. So today I retreat, gonna call it a mental health day

Awareness solidified

For a moment I stood pondering, then it hit me. All so often I think when we hear love, the thought of one love/partner/spouse seems to be the norm where we go too but I what struck me was how many wonderful loving people I have in my life that #love me and that I love, so no I’m not picking that door though a potential partner could walk they it, after it’s not locked. And #immortality, hell no, there’s absolutely no way I want to stay on this planet forever, some days I can barely handle being here. So I’ll take the #wealth door, I’m not money oriented per say and I’m not a consumer of #labels considering the #mentalhealth field has already given me a wide variety (Kim Doolittle used to say a million miles removed from boring lol xo) but with wealth, I could remove the #financialstress of making ends meet, I could make a difference in the lives of family, friends and strangers. So wealth it is, bring it on 2017

So which door would you choose, after all there is no right or wrong answer, it’s a practice of #discovery & #motives 

Fell free to jump in

Aware of triggers, how to ride the wave

Watching a series on Netflix triggers my past

It’s the old west the 1800 or early 1900’s women and girls taken to work in the brothel to fuel expenses for a mine and a desperate attempt to get out from down u dear a most likely overbearing father.

My own history, a hundred years from a netflixs series rushes to my forefront of the times working in the trade. A time re surfaces when sex was imposed in childhood, graduating into the natural order of things , the sex trade. Yet still with a stained but embedded innocence. As emotional growth stunted at the time of trauma at times feels as if my body betrayed me and continued to grow alone & on its own. A disconnect digs its way down deep into the DNA of my core. To survive I disassociate tearing away from myself happens without thought or intent it comes automatically,our drive for survival is an amazing thing even when i wanted to die but tis less like death that I craved, I just wanted the pain to stop. I graduated from sex trade to human trafficking. I had to back track to piece together how I got there, own outright without a dollar changing into my hands.

The etiquette of the virtual world & my sanity

It’s certainly a learning curve navigating through the virtual world, not like being on the phone or face to face, thats for sure.

Dating exchanges play out as if you are face to face, opening lines like “how are you”, “hey”or “how was your weekend” but the reality is we are total strangers and thats a loaded question from a stranger. We are not face to face therefor some adjustments could be made. Taking into consideration that these lines though fine face to face are extremely limiting in a virtual world, after all hows a person suppose to answer these; I’m fine, my weekend was good all seem rather boring to me. Seems to me that one can get into a conversation and then the other person disappears and yes I am certainly guilty of this as well. This one doesn’t trigger me nearly as much as the one below. However in counselling practice I can say I’ve had a number of clients whoever sense of #selfesteem & #mentalhealth, sense of well being has been impacted on.

This happens on Facebook as well though not a dating site though sadly some do hit on you as if it is and thats creepy, guys and I wish they’d knock it off.

However I’m talking about within the chat private message box with friends and family. Lately I’ve had a few incidents where I’ve sent private messages, I see the person has been on line and yet they have never replied to the pm. So I’m left questioning the etiquette of the virtual world and yes it does play havoc on my mental health and sense of being. It triggers insecurities, I wonder if no answer is an answer in itself, after all even busy or not now would suffice, anything but to get nothing no acknowledgment at all. How does one progress that. I hear things like don’t let it bother you but truth is it does, its not that it’s crippling and I work at not obsessing over it and yes I said work at it. I try to see the humour in it but its a stretch. Have you ever been standing with someone life in a line up and they either went to the loo or whatever you turn around to discover you are talking to yourself, haha but they usually come back and it is rather giggly since everyone around you seems to be able to relate to it but how does it work in the virtual world cause it doesn’t tickle my funny bone at all, folks.

I’d rather hear something anything, than be left dangling in the wind. So what the hell is the proper etiquette on line.  I am asking cause for me personally I feel rude not replying (I can hear met parents voice echoing regarding manners) even a “not now” since there are times I do not want to talk and that’s ok. Im also aware that folks are not on 24/7 though some are and regardless there is not always time cause life stuff is happened. So I’m not suggesting immediacy but eventually, what the fuck up is for me is when I see they’ve been on line, they’ve posted and yet they can’t bother replying to a pm. Its sends a pretty clear message to me though Im not always sure how to process this or deal with it maybe the answer for me is to not bother dealing with it at all, after no reply is a message in itself. Cause its not at all like being on the phone, is it? What do you think?

 

 

Suicide & sudden loss

This is me processing it’s “just” my 2 cents as I work thru stuff, if it benefits anyone great.

The recent loss of friends via car accident and #suicide certainly has triggered a slew of emotions, memories and like any good catalyst has caused me to contemplate.

How uncomfortable we are when someone talks about feeling suicidal. The emotions it seems to trigger is our own, feelings of helplessness yet when someone speaks of wanting to die is a window some may say it’s sharing their vulnerability, a cry for help or attention whatever it is, is not the point I’m trying to make here. However I will say there is nothing wrong with it. For me since I can only speak for myself the most slippery area is when words are not spoken, vulnerability is not expressed and the fact that all to often another discomfort stop us or has stopped me from reaching out, expressing those internal feelings, grateful for suicide hotline, therapist and writing. I’m not saying this is easy not by a long shot. Certainly it’s a huge challenge to get out of ones comfort zone.

I understand wanting to die, I spent the first 34 years of my life pretty much daily in that state of mind upon hearing life is a gift, my immediate response was “where’s the return counter” either slowly thru addiction, smoking as I still struggle with, life style whatever or via the more obvious manner suicide, wanting the pain to cease. I can relate with that for sure. I am grateful all my attempts failed though I do have days where that sentiment differs.

Today I grieve the loss of my friend to suicide, I can’t help but remember those I’ve lost the same way in the past. I pray they found peace now and I totally get it nevertheless my heart aches when I think of the weight, the pain and intensity they were carrying while still here. I wish I had a magic. I want to scream out to all those that don’t get it that each of us has our limit our abilities and inabilities. The old saying walk a mile in my shoes, compassion, empathy and understanding.

Our levels of endurance differ please remember to be gentle and kind.

Moving on to sudden death considering I’m sharing as a result of very recent loss and doing so for my own processing and healing. It’s totally different and because I am currently so exhausted and emotionally drained I’ll keep it short, very short.

Sometimes often it’s so easy to get caught up in life. I forget that in the fraction of a second all can change, can’t it? I am still working at achieving and particularly maintaining balance. Taking time to connect, to cherish moments, to be present (as a person with a #disassociate disorder staying present is well…) to prioritize…

My heart aches the sudden unexpected throws me up against a brick wall and I step back. Yesterday was about taking alone time, today I needed to express even if I am still numb and in shock.  I have an incredible urge to hug my daughter and those near and dear to me.

After having posted on fb with no details per se, I wanna thank you all for your kindness, support and understanding. Just in case you don’t know this, your comments helped me get thru the day. I am so grateful so heartfelt and feel blessed, thank you, thank you

In The Blink of an Eye, everything can change

 

Car crash 2 gone, no survivors

One Suicide

2 separate continents

2 separate messages back to back

Numb

Floating in limbo

In a fraction of a second everything can change

Impact as if

A concrete wall

A soul wrenched in excruciating pain

Lives gone, life continues

In limbo

Shock and speechless

Outpour of love and kindness

Wanting to retreat from the world

Chatty me, side stepping emotions, only to end up in yuk, fuck this, not my wisest move should not have gone there, left feeling stupid but overshadowed by

Just as it should be

But was stupid on my part, what was I thinking, just cause something heavy is brought up doesn’t mean I have to run with it and anyway who bring more heavy to the table under these circumstances. No control, no power not mine to contend with

My plate is full

Retreat

Retreat

Retreat

I glance over at the loving gentle kind compassionate comments and feel as if I am blanketed with tenderness, bitter sweet

Wanting to be held, to break down but fear my own vulnerability and cannot force the tears

Knowing they will come, they will run down my face

My heart aches

Wisest in my tiny mind

Paint the portrait a mother and son

A son who is no longer

Gunned down, shot in the back

My heartbreaks

Unto the canvas I pour my tears.

 

Suicide & how to fight it

#Suicide, I’ve been there many times. I once had a doctor who had travelled  along the journey with me eventually say tell me  “that if i jumped off the CN  Tower I’d be the gal who’d sprain my ankle” that didn’t stop me. The pain of severe #PTSD along with other #MentalHealthDiagnosis was so intense I ached for relief. #Medication flew my way to no avail, yes I acknowledge for some it helps and that I wouldn’t discourage. I learned in #DBT to do what towards. So Ive come to realize that meds along with therapy can offer great #changes but for me. I opted to stay off meds, trust issues  and the feeling like someones guinea pig was causing me more #anxiety than I could cope with.  So do we wage war on suicide or do we look at the causes behind  it.  To some degree it feels  much like fitting the war on #drugs  as oppose to looking at the causes. I think folks  including myself that when i feel suicidal, it’s a result of not fitting in, it’s a result of living in a scary world, it’s a result of being called to sensitive with the option of being desensitized  which reminds me to much of my days of using, because i couldn’t handle being in my own skin. I couldn’t handle the world as it is and the truth is  the world will not change on my behalf, few will. The only thing left I found was to learn how to self care and maneuver thru this fuel world with a different perception  than the one I have. Not that I think the one  I do have it  is broken or inaccurate, its just that the only result of having it resulted in me feeling small and wanting to die. What choice did I  have. For years in fact for most of my life,  I was immersed in pain. When folks stated life is a gift, my first response was to ask where the return counter was.  I just wanted to stop feeling the way I did, I wanted triggers to stop, to side step them all was to achieve the impossible. Sometimes the wind  would hurt so badly as if slapping my raw exposed skin, my soul screamed for mercy.   I discovered that there was no catch phrase that would work. I often had no idea of what triggered my flashbacks or panics, it seem to me that some things that once worked now caused pain and vice versa.  There is no avoiding catalyst that send me into a tail spin, no simple answer. So my only recourse was to learn what to do when this happened so I wouldn’t drown. I remember a scent of mens cologne leaving me under the covers small and in fetal position, soaked in tears for days. The brand will not producing the scent nor will folks stop buying because of me and my pain.  Truth is I think we live in an incredibly incentive world and that insensitivity often pushes some including me over the edge. People lacks of empathy, lack of compassion & understanding  is like pouring salt on an open wound.  So  how do we change things, to lower the risk of suicide for ourselves and others. Our #MentalHealth System is in itself enough to push & re-traumatize the person in need. People don’t have to understand, they may not be able to relate (good for them but don’t allow your lack of understanding to cause another more pain) You do not need to understand the pain of others in order to acknowledge, be sensitive, caring & compassionate.We fall thru the cracks, there are lots of good workers  working within a broken system, that is the reality we live in. Maybe some can relate maybe I’m crazy and just my words blowing in the wind but whatever  or however this strikes you. I wish all good mental health. I pray for the human race our world who can reach sensitivity, compassion whether they understand or not because all to often in order to understand you must have gone, been or experienced a dark place. Let the Light shine on us, bringing love and tenderness.