New years eve and your plans are….

For a number of years I have struggled felt somewhat torn regarding new years and the self imposed pressure of the whole hoopla of it. When I was younger it had a stronger pull, to be out in the centre of it all, you know all that bullshit of the cream of the crop, the land of who’s who, grateful to have out grown that. One year I wanted to end it with a bang, you know that ripe roaring bender to put a cap it in but I didn’t want to start the new year bent, I found myself with a bottle of bubbles, a couple of cats, music & me at the computer writing a story just about that kind of dilemma. And here i find myself years later, unsure of what I’m going to do this year, hmmm

ive reflected over ht year which has been grand with so many new experiences and I’ve thought about what id like to see unfold int he new year.

So what are your plans?

I’m just not sure what to title this-the road often travelled perhaps

Its easy to get caught up in defining perceptions of folks, some seen as inspirational, strong, courageous, outgoing, shy. I am grateful for the reminders that kick in from wherever, that no matter how I perceive a person it certainly doesn’t mean they are that way all the time, that would be unrealistic yet so natural to slide into that boxed in pattern. Ive heard folks say to me that when ever they see me Im always smiling, I can’t help but chuckle cause I know all to well that many days are spent far removed from anything close to a smile as #manic episodes; #Bipolar, #BorderlinePersonality, #PTSD and even without any issues of #MentalHealth issues just feeling #sad not everyday is a smiling moment, granted I don’t usually wanna interact with the human race on those days as I retreat into my cave.

I do believe in change. I believe its possible, its a learning just to figure out what one wants to adjust, shift, remove, enhance… I once wrote my own eulogy was a very powerful  exercise in doing so, it provide me with direction, my own measuring stick. Wow imagine that, certainly I do have role model for whom I use to help me in growing into characteristic that I respect. But measuring sticks were imposed, family, friends, societal but defining my own well that had just never come up before at least not with any awareness or consciousness. Now I got to sort & pick thru what resinates with me, make my alterations & cast my own anchor providing me with a clearer direction. But in all honesty though who know me are aware how directionally challenged I am and grateful to Glatice my GPS. I’d be so loss without her, sometimes we get loss together but theres a certain comfort for me, as I don’t feel as alone. I have a clear vision of the kind of person I want to be remembered for and the kind of person I want to be is often a hell of a lot less scattered than me. Then there are the realities of self acceptance scattered being one of them, its just part of who I am no matter how many words I write its one of my realities. So I speak not of these types of changes, bahhhh that could only lead to self loathing not a place I want to visit on the road map to where or how  I want to be.

There is something about writing that makes it concrete, real and solidifies the words, the thoughts. When I grow up I want to be ———–now you can fill in the blanks.   because choices are as unique as variety paths, life lessons are everywhere, this world is for our benefit, to better ourselves and keep ourselves, our planet healthy and safe

Inspiring Moments

CAMHblog

By Dr. Bruce Pollock, Vice President of Research at CAMH

Every so often, we all experience moments that inspire us, that show us how our efforts fit into a broader perspective.

We had such a moment at our CAMH Campbell Family Mental Health Research Symposium in November. We were honoured with the presence of 2000 Nobel Laureate Dr. Arvid Carlsson.

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bringing in the Light

Well today is the eve of Chanukah and with each night another candle gets lit bringing light into the darkness and into the world. This evening was exception, actually its been a kitchen cooked kinda day. Cooking for 450 people for tomorrow night, working out of the cold this evening, feeling tired, worn and yet so very grateful. Happy Hanukah everyone

Mental Health, what does that mean

Its occurred to me that in todays world, we speak of #MentalHealth a lot but in actuality seems that the content within leans on #Mental illness, diagnosis; #PTSD, #BiPolar, #Depression, #DissociativeIdentityDisorder, #BorderLinePersonality and so on. So why don’t we call it mental illness awareness month after all that is what we are bringing forth to lessen the stigma thats related to it – Is there a stigma to mental health? if so its certainly new to me. Im not sure i know anyone who has ever experienced stigma as a result of their healthy state of mental health. The stigma is not related to the health but to the un health we are such a politically correct bunch but then why “should” any diagnosis be viewed as politically incorrect after all, no one goes up to a counter or drops to their knees to order a diagnosis really, i’ll take a double please, jeez. So what is with that. My mother is fine with me for short spurts when i am well but doesn’t handle my illness well and for me its as if she turns her back on me when i am in my deepest need (its the way its always been but no attacking my mom, got it ty) but if it were cancer I’m sure it be approached so differently. I realize we all have our levels of comfort i also think we let me say I am here to push my limits to grow into my capabilities. In #Judaism i once heard hell describe as if going to a movie, the theatre darkens and the movie begins a child is born the story unfolds and at whatever point u realize the story u are watching is ur life. Intermission  and then u return to ur seat, as if on repeat the light go down, a child is born and u recognize bits of ur life, but a variation of choices and even though u know its ur life what u r seeing is the potential of what it could have been, this is a period of hell. Sometimes i think the goal is to lessen ones time in hell, to push the limits. I want to see myself as a #women who pushed my own limits and i feel as though i am growing into my own skin with the abundance of overwhelming bursting joy of a child in this grown up deteriorating body of mine, so regardless of #age i guess its never to late. So for mental health, what does it mean, sometimes i think its as individual as a finger print. After all who am i to say, if #Moses were here today or #Avraham (the first Jew)  they’d be locked away & their mental health would stand on trial. My sister finds cleaning zen like and no she is not crazy but we all have our departments. The stigma often i think comes from we think we set the norms for everyone else based on usually our own, how arrogant of us truly and ya I’m guilty of it too been there, embarrassed of my own and try not to repeat & watch out for the cracks in the road.

peeling back layers & new awarenesses

The proposals are in at least some of them, application for #FringeFestival in. Stomach doing back flips, not so good. The dreams shift into a mishmash of opposites. I’m shrinking, I’m growing, I’m up & I’m down and I’m in landing mode, finding my centre grateful to my #osteopathy for todays session Marc Tellez. I get some writing done, I had a grown up conversation and wiped down the floor Id call that a successful day from where Im sitting and now to immerse myself in honour of #JohnLennon anniversary. Considering yesterday was a hide under the bed kinda day, what can i say, this is one hell of a ride and I’m honestly not always sure how i feel about it. #Music has a huge impact, (reminder note to self as is good for state of mind) oh that #MentalHealth stuff but i also read the headline of an article that was written about me and the show #BorderLineMe  “A Brave portrayal of one woman’s struggle with mental illness” hmmm i could help think that its really not so much that i struggle with mental health after all perhaps but more so I struggle with the world as is. I just dont understand the pain we inflict, the shallowness, greed, deceit and basically how screwed up our system is. Moses could have easily been hospitalized for hearing voices don’t get me wrong, in NO WAY am i comparing myself to Mose’s. But i want to go back to believing in magic, without my sanity being challenged. Even today stepping into a grown up conversation slapped with, well the way i am, my highs and lows. I do realize they can make others crazy cause they hop on and dont know how to drive it cause its my crazy not theirs. But its just part of my being and more layers unfolding. I dont want to drive anyone nuts, i dont want to be ignored, I just wanna hear i matter and everything is gonna be ok & for God sake dont get on the ride with me, as i am trying to get the fuck off of it and sometimes you are my anchor, so just be there. and thats my 2 cents for today