Shifting tides, humaness

A MOUTH FULL

What I’ve learned and experienced, the short version

I was born into a disconnect of human contact, no that’s not true. My family was emotionally unavailable, unable and it was during a twisted time of the 50’s, concepts that had most people pantomiming life and negating inner true selves. It wasn’t a disconnect of human contact but was a connect of adult connect imposed upon me, a child. My life began and was entrenched in sexual abuse, adult situations that no child has the ability to cope with. I grew and the turmoil I experienced grew within me with no healthy outlet. I eventually came to believe that if bad shit happened I seem to always be at the core of it. I believed you can trust people, you can always trust that they will fuck you over, maybe not today but eventually. I was fucked, robbed beaten, sold, caged and tortured. My outlook of human kind was as a result of my experience, which reinforced the world as an unsafe uncaring place. I felt for most of my life that this gift called life was a cruel joke and life was like a jail sentence with only one way out.

I want to express the shift that has unfolded in my life.

Recently having been hospitalized, the intensity of not being able to catch my breath along with influenza B with the reality of possibly not making it thru, much reflecting transpired.

The flood of messages, visits and outpour of love is very much for me the other side of the coin, having gone from darkness into the light as a result of love, amazes me. I am not sure words can express the impact you folks have had on this little old gal. I still cautiously approach the feelings as if in a surreal dream like state. I want to jump in it. Craving to immerse my body as if sliding into a warm bath secure and blanketed. I #persist regardless of my past, I want so very much to soak it all in to my every pore. My hesitation is not a conscious one but more so as a result of my past and the reality that our bodies store memories and we at times unconsciously hesitate. But I plow thru because I deserve to feel what is being offered, my eyes tear up with overwhelmed sensation of love and I take 2 steps back. But I persist, I am worthy.

Sometimes in our busy day and social media we hit like, hearts, tears. A quick word posted in response to. I am overwhelmed, floored and so deeply touched by the love and caring that was expressed. I am so grateful words cannot do it justice. For all of you who checked in on me who expressed care and good wishes, I thank you. Believe it or not, you are my lifeline. You play an integral role in making new good memories and experiences for me. The road I’ve travelled has been a hard one but at the latter end of this stretch, you have played a part in shifting what was into what is and what is beautiful. You have made a world of difference to me and as a result this impacts everything I do, its help make me the woman I am, the mother I am and I have a kick ass exceptionally wonderful daughter. It takes a village and what a village I have.

I want to write more but I have to pull myself together and it takes me quite a bit longer to do stuff, so for now I am signing off

Share this:

I have to run with this I can’t sit back and say nothing. I pondered over this during the day.

I have walked on the edge many times, unsure if I would be able to survive, grasping to hold onto my sanity and many times wanting to release my grip. I have lost to many friends and relatives to suicide and came to believe that they did not kills themselves, their disease did.

If we looked at #MentalHealth issues for example #depression, #bipolar, #BorderlinePersonality, #PTSD they are no different than the disease of #cancer or #DisassociativeDisorder would it not change our views and help dissolve the #stigma that is attached? After all neither persons asked for this to happen.

discussion from recent posting on Facebook, a thought crossed my mind;
I believe wishful thinking can be put into action, mental health has stolen many lives in many ways including #suicide. When someone dies from cancer or another other physical disease we don’t attach stigma, maybe its time to start referring to it as a disease so that for those that don’t get it maybe start too.
Does anyone else struggle with the idea of calling #MentalIllness and/or #MentalHealthIssues a #disease?
or is it just me though i do think it could alter the stigma and for that reason alone I could adapt to the term disease.

I’m putting this out there again because I honestly want to hear from folks who have been diagnosed how the label to disease would/could impact them.

As I stated I’m not exactly comfortable with it myself but I would be willing to make the shift if there was any possibility of it having a positive impact on dissolving the impact of #stigma.

The #stigma that is attached to #MentalHealth issues can be so painful. Actually there are absolutely no redeeming qualities to stigma. It’s a lack of understanding, without understanding their can be little #compassion, #empathy and though it is most likely not intentional harm but #harmful nevertheless.

 

 

 

Aware of triggers, how to ride the wave

Watching a series on Netflix triggers my past

It’s the old west the 1800 or early 1900’s women and girls taken to work in the brothel to fuel expenses for a mine and a desperate attempt to get out from down u dear a most likely overbearing father.

My own history, a hundred years from a netflixs series rushes to my forefront of the times working in the trade. A time re surfaces when sex was imposed in childhood, graduating into the natural order of things , the sex trade. Yet still with a stained but embedded innocence. As emotional growth stunted at the time of trauma at times feels as if my body betrayed me and continued to grow alone & on its own. A disconnect digs its way down deep into the DNA of my core. To survive I disassociate tearing away from myself happens without thought or intent it comes automatically,our drive for survival is an amazing thing even when i wanted to die but tis less like death that I craved, I just wanted the pain to stop. I graduated from sex trade to human trafficking. I had to back track to piece together how I got there, own outright without a dollar changing into my hands.

Suicide & sudden loss

This is me processing it’s “just” my 2 cents as I work thru stuff, if it benefits anyone great.

The recent loss of friends via car accident and #suicide certainly has triggered a slew of emotions, memories and like any good catalyst has caused me to contemplate.

How uncomfortable we are when someone talks about feeling suicidal. The emotions it seems to trigger is our own, feelings of helplessness yet when someone speaks of wanting to die is a window some may say it’s sharing their vulnerability, a cry for help or attention whatever it is, is not the point I’m trying to make here. However I will say there is nothing wrong with it. For me since I can only speak for myself the most slippery area is when words are not spoken, vulnerability is not expressed and the fact that all to often another discomfort stop us or has stopped me from reaching out, expressing those internal feelings, grateful for suicide hotline, therapist and writing. I’m not saying this is easy not by a long shot. Certainly it’s a huge challenge to get out of ones comfort zone.

I understand wanting to die, I spent the first 34 years of my life pretty much daily in that state of mind upon hearing life is a gift, my immediate response was “where’s the return counter” either slowly thru addiction, smoking as I still struggle with, life style whatever or via the more obvious manner suicide, wanting the pain to cease. I can relate with that for sure. I am grateful all my attempts failed though I do have days where that sentiment differs.

Today I grieve the loss of my friend to suicide, I can’t help but remember those I’ve lost the same way in the past. I pray they found peace now and I totally get it nevertheless my heart aches when I think of the weight, the pain and intensity they were carrying while still here. I wish I had a magic. I want to scream out to all those that don’t get it that each of us has our limit our abilities and inabilities. The old saying walk a mile in my shoes, compassion, empathy and understanding.

Our levels of endurance differ please remember to be gentle and kind.

Moving on to sudden death considering I’m sharing as a result of very recent loss and doing so for my own processing and healing. It’s totally different and because I am currently so exhausted and emotionally drained I’ll keep it short, very short.

Sometimes often it’s so easy to get caught up in life. I forget that in the fraction of a second all can change, can’t it? I am still working at achieving and particularly maintaining balance. Taking time to connect, to cherish moments, to be present (as a person with a #disassociate disorder staying present is well…) to prioritize…

My heart aches the sudden unexpected throws me up against a brick wall and I step back. Yesterday was about taking alone time, today I needed to express even if I am still numb and in shock.  I have an incredible urge to hug my daughter and those near and dear to me.

After having posted on fb with no details per se, I wanna thank you all for your kindness, support and understanding. Just in case you don’t know this, your comments helped me get thru the day. I am so grateful so heartfelt and feel blessed, thank you, thank you

Suicide & how to fight it

#Suicide, I’ve been there many times. I once had a doctor who had travelled  along the journey with me eventually say tell me  “that if i jumped off the CN  Tower I’d be the gal who’d sprain my ankle” that didn’t stop me. The pain of severe #PTSD along with other #MentalHealthDiagnosis was so intense I ached for relief. #Medication flew my way to no avail, yes I acknowledge for some it helps and that I wouldn’t discourage. I learned in #DBT to do what towards. So Ive come to realize that meds along with therapy can offer great #changes but for me. I opted to stay off meds, trust issues  and the feeling like someones guinea pig was causing me more #anxiety than I could cope with.  So do we wage war on suicide or do we look at the causes behind  it.  To some degree it feels  much like fitting the war on #drugs  as oppose to looking at the causes. I think folks  including myself that when i feel suicidal, it’s a result of not fitting in, it’s a result of living in a scary world, it’s a result of being called to sensitive with the option of being desensitized  which reminds me to much of my days of using, because i couldn’t handle being in my own skin. I couldn’t handle the world as it is and the truth is  the world will not change on my behalf, few will. The only thing left I found was to learn how to self care and maneuver thru this fuel world with a different perception  than the one I have. Not that I think the one  I do have it  is broken or inaccurate, its just that the only result of having it resulted in me feeling small and wanting to die. What choice did I  have. For years in fact for most of my life,  I was immersed in pain. When folks stated life is a gift, my first response was to ask where the return counter was.  I just wanted to stop feeling the way I did, I wanted triggers to stop, to side step them all was to achieve the impossible. Sometimes the wind  would hurt so badly as if slapping my raw exposed skin, my soul screamed for mercy.   I discovered that there was no catch phrase that would work. I often had no idea of what triggered my flashbacks or panics, it seem to me that some things that once worked now caused pain and vice versa.  There is no avoiding catalyst that send me into a tail spin, no simple answer. So my only recourse was to learn what to do when this happened so I wouldn’t drown. I remember a scent of mens cologne leaving me under the covers small and in fetal position, soaked in tears for days. The brand will not producing the scent nor will folks stop buying because of me and my pain.  Truth is I think we live in an incredibly incentive world and that insensitivity often pushes some including me over the edge. People lacks of empathy, lack of compassion & understanding  is like pouring salt on an open wound.  So  how do we change things, to lower the risk of suicide for ourselves and others. Our #MentalHealth System is in itself enough to push & re-traumatize the person in need. People don’t have to understand, they may not be able to relate (good for them but don’t allow your lack of understanding to cause another more pain) You do not need to understand the pain of others in order to acknowledge, be sensitive, caring & compassionate.We fall thru the cracks, there are lots of good workers  working within a broken system, that is the reality we live in. Maybe some can relate maybe I’m crazy and just my words blowing in the wind but whatever  or however this strikes you. I wish all good mental health. I pray for the human race our world who can reach sensitivity, compassion whether they understand or not because all to often in order to understand you must have gone, been or experienced a dark place. Let the Light shine on us, bringing love and tenderness.