Suicide & sudden loss

This is me processing it’s “just” my 2 cents as I work thru stuff, if it benefits anyone great.

The recent loss of friends via car accident and #suicide certainly has triggered a slew of emotions, memories and like any good catalyst has caused me to contemplate.

How uncomfortable we are when someone talks about feeling suicidal. The emotions it seems to trigger is our own, feelings of helplessness yet when someone speaks of wanting to die is a window some may say it’s sharing their vulnerability, a cry for help or attention whatever it is, is not the point I’m trying to make here. However I will say there is nothing wrong with it. For me since I can only speak for myself the most slippery area is when words are not spoken, vulnerability is not expressed and the fact that all to often another discomfort stop us or has stopped me from reaching out, expressing those internal feelings, grateful for suicide hotline, therapist and writing. I’m not saying this is easy not by a long shot. Certainly it’s a huge challenge to get out of ones comfort zone.

I understand wanting to die, I spent the first 34 years of my life pretty much daily in that state of mind upon hearing life is a gift, my immediate response was “where’s the return counter” either slowly thru addiction, smoking as I still struggle with, life style whatever or via the more obvious manner suicide, wanting the pain to cease. I can relate with that for sure. I am grateful all my attempts failed though I do have days where that sentiment differs.

Today I grieve the loss of my friend to suicide, I can’t help but remember those I’ve lost the same way in the past. I pray they found peace now and I totally get it nevertheless my heart aches when I think of the weight, the pain and intensity they were carrying while still here. I wish I had a magic. I want to scream out to all those that don’t get it that each of us has our limit our abilities and inabilities. The old saying walk a mile in my shoes, compassion, empathy and understanding.

Our levels of endurance differ please remember to be gentle and kind.

Moving on to sudden death considering I’m sharing as a result of very recent loss and doing so for my own processing and healing. It’s totally different and because I am currently so exhausted and emotionally drained I’ll keep it short, very short.

Sometimes often it’s so easy to get caught up in life. I forget that in the fraction of a second all can change, can’t it? I am still working at achieving and particularly maintaining balance. Taking time to connect, to cherish moments, to be present (as a person with a #disassociate disorder staying present is well…) to prioritize…

My heart aches the sudden unexpected throws me up against a brick wall and I step back. Yesterday was about taking alone time, today I needed to express even if I am still numb and in shock.  I have an incredible urge to hug my daughter and those near and dear to me.

After having posted on fb with no details per se, I wanna thank you all for your kindness, support and understanding. Just in case you don’t know this, your comments helped me get thru the day. I am so grateful so heartfelt and feel blessed, thank you, thank you

In The Blink of an Eye, everything can change

 

Car crash 2 gone, no survivors

One Suicide

2 separate continents

2 separate messages back to back

Numb

Floating in limbo

In a fraction of a second everything can change

Impact as if

A concrete wall

A soul wrenched in excruciating pain

Lives gone, life continues

In limbo

Shock and speechless

Outpour of love and kindness

Wanting to retreat from the world

Chatty me, side stepping emotions, only to end up in yuk, fuck this, not my wisest move should not have gone there, left feeling stupid but overshadowed by

Just as it should be

But was stupid on my part, what was I thinking, just cause something heavy is brought up doesn’t mean I have to run with it and anyway who bring more heavy to the table under these circumstances. No control, no power not mine to contend with

My plate is full

Retreat

Retreat

Retreat

I glance over at the loving gentle kind compassionate comments and feel as if I am blanketed with tenderness, bitter sweet

Wanting to be held, to break down but fear my own vulnerability and cannot force the tears

Knowing they will come, they will run down my face

My heart aches

Wisest in my tiny mind

Paint the portrait a mother and son

A son who is no longer

Gunned down, shot in the back

My heartbreaks

Unto the canvas I pour my tears.

 

Corridors of my mind, expression

Throughout the majority of my life, I have been silenced. As time past and I gained momentum the biting of my tongue fuelled my rage an intense need for expression grew. In the late seventies I wrote a short called Listen my words filled the blank pages and it was then tucked away. A wonderful friend of mine set up an evening at @Thestaircase a sharing of past, diaries, stories… In preparation for I searched for past writings I came upon Listen among others. I remember the sensation of standing on stage, of delivering something written from so long ago. A realization of vague amount of time that past from the blank page to 2915 when the words rolled off my tongue and my voice filled the room, something I’ll never forget. Sometimes it’s easy to get side tracked, lost in the corridors of my mind. Sometimes I get to trip over a great find all in due time.

Define personal

Maybe it’s me and I’m swimming against the main stream and I’m cool with that. At this stage and age of my life I have some clear set ways that I’ve chosen because it feels like a good fit for me. I grew up feeling different feeling odd and I tried I really tried to wear the definitions imposed on me by individuals and society, what a mess that turned out to be for me. Thank God that’s passed, it had too the alternative was the death of me. So we all have our definitions; God there’s a big one, what’s personal,  what’s intimacy blah blah blah. The world and each of us is entitled to our own, who am I to say mine is right and yours is wrong. What works for me may not fit for you and that’s cool. What does sit well with me is imposed definitions and/or opinions. To derail the possibility of nit picking I’m not talking apples and oranges, however if u wanna call an apple an orange, good luck with that when ordering at the restaurant but whatever it’s ur call 🙂

The topic and or comments re posting what’s personal and what’s not got me thinking so I’m choosing to share my #my2cents on cause it helps me after years of being silenced. I will not touch the subject of God as others are entitled to their beliefs and my overall point here is NOT about influencing or imposing mine. So back to what’s personal and what’s not; for me where I am, what restaurant or whatever is rarely personal (though there are always exceptions) before I post whoever I’m with I usually ask if the person is ok with it as its not my place to share their business only mine own if I choose too unless given cart Blanche. What I deem as personal is my feelings, my vulnerability, my intimacy, my rawness the moments I share with family friends unplugged that I will rarely post & certainly not in any detail but that’s me. My opinions sometimes when asked though I’ve been known to get triggered and own that, human after all. #IMayNotBPetfectbutDoingTheBestICan #goodmentalhealth 

And that’s #my2cents 

1:30 am and still awake

After listening to not one but two guided meditations I lay here, relaxed but still awake. I visualize myself in flight, open skies catching life from a different point of view. The freedom and space initially takes some getting used too, after all I live in a somewhat concrete jungle. It’s not often for most of us that we have the unlimited space to soar, a certain amount of carving the space we need or desire must take place. I am in process and now I will lay my head down, feel my body sink into the mattress, close my eyes once more and give it another try. They say third time is a charm, will see. Sweet dreams world.

Mental illness it’s exhausting at times

I’m not sure if folks actually comprehend just how #exhausting it can be to cope with issues of #MentalIllness. For the sake of #MentalHealth mine, as I’ve wavered down many paths over the course of this year only to find myself approaching the cliff of depression, stinking my toes in and sometimes finding myself knee deep, sinking.

I have decided to put one thing a day on my list of things to do, something that requires me to get dressed and out of the house. I’ve done this for the last 5 days, however last night it hit me like a ton of bricks, exhaustion. It can be really fucking frustrating and the old self imposed tapes and messages about feeling inadequate kick in; “What! only one thing a day, wuss” screams silently in the background of my mind. Navigating, learning and practicing balance is an on going theme. It’s not until I push the limits do I discover what my limits are. For some stupid reason I keep thinking I “should” have this down pat by now but noooo. So I continue to discover implement figure out what’s what and what works for me. Tonight I’m lounging and chilling. Planning on calling it an early night because its what I need to do regardless of the fact it’s a Friday night. I am in gonna enjoy the quietness of home after all so much effort into turning this house into a home.

To all I wish a good weekend, good mental health and good night