A roller coaster ride
It’s taken me a long time and a lot of personal work to heal and come to terms with my life experiences.
But despite the growth and healing
I still struggle with the concept of relationship.
I first got to know this man, I saw him in his natural day to day life, you know like how you are before you’ve brushed your teeth. And the more I got to know him the more I found myself smitten with him, with not only his appearance but his character traits and after well over a year, I decided to take the plunge. We are now a couple and have been for over a year though the date we decided to take the plunge alludes me.
Relationships are such strange thing. I cringe at how dependant I now feel, I have never felt comfortable with feeling comfortable maybe it’s a form a sabotage, who knows. I try to keep the reigns tight. I try to drive my emotions as oppose to them driving me. I try to remind myself that I am deserving of care and love.
Then there’s those little things, you know the ones that are really irrelevant that can drive one nuts. Sometimes I think they are an excuse to avoid
this relationship stuff if so new to me, to learn to drop my guard, to allow myself to feel safe and protected at least to the best of his ability.
My first sexual abuse started when i was two or three, at around eight I was rented out and at 34 I escaped the hell I had lived in. When I came to Hamilton I started to grow into my skin. To claim my voice, set my boundaries and take up space for myself. All this was so foreign to me, as is being in a relationship. Sometimes I get antsy and expect the other shoe to fall and so far it hasn’t fallen.
I remember being terrified to have sexual intimacy without the use of drugs, flashbacks would flood in an/or I would disassociate, not intentionally but more so automatically. I still find myself struggling with that I don’t think that will ever change. Being connected more so now than ever before brings a new freshness to the pain I hid from for so many years. My disconnection happened so long ago its truly all I have ever know.
Now in a relationship learning to share myself with another, yikes. It’s time to transform what was, to hold onto to my boundaries while learning to let go, to trust.
that’s all i can write for now
BorderLine Productions 