The Art of Self-Care

It seems to me that sometimes I’ve got to get to edge before I remember to take a step back and assess what I need to do for the sake of self-care. I feel as if I’m on overload, a lengthy list of my own responsibilities, a few added chores due to things not being handled the way I was initially told it would be by others. I sit and reflect over the past fews days, aware that my ability to take in shared information, personal or otherwise is just not happening.   I  can’t hear myself silently screaming, there’s no room, I can’t her you and that doesn’t mean raising your voice. I’m not deaf, I’m overloaded. Some things are time sensitive like rent, bills and all the grown up responsibilities, others can be dealt with tomorrow  as long as it gets done. And then there is the grasping for my attention when I don’t have it to give at this present time, it’s got nothing to do with you personally. I am sorry but it is where I am at right now.

It’s a fucking light bulb moment; I’m taking a step back, I need to silence my mind, remove the chatter and background noise. I kinda wish I could just get off line but with an upcoming show this is not the time to step away. What’s a gal to do?

Well this is what I came up with; even though I will be posting, promoting, networking with especially those wonderful new folks I’ve met on line in Victoria and I will be on line. However, I will not be interacting with folks in general for a few days, if I could I’d haul my ass to a cottage absent of wifi but that’s not viable. I do have a few pre-planned appointments so yes via fb pm but otherwise I’m going silent. I questioned why do I need to let folks know this well my goal is self-care however I also don’t want to be rude or worrying anyone, should they ding me and not get any response. So now you know, time for me to lay low, do the few external things I must deal with. Tare care of the work end of things re; show and the self-care end, silence the chatter so that I can focus on my responsibilities. I will resurface when able. These images reflect where I’m at & where I’m heading; me drained, my little surfer riding the wave & needing to get off the ride now and dance to the beat of my own drum, craving silence & stillness xo

And that my friends is all I have to say for this time, wishing everyone well, and good health.

 

#MentalHealthSystem; #Complaints & #Solutions

I stumble as I try to think of what the title this, particularly after yesterdays ride and the aftermath vibration as a result of an initial appointment with a new #psychiatrist. My emotions stirred  having worked in the field with those as dense as a concrete block within a cracked system with little to no accountability. It’s one thing, not to be helpful and a whole other thing to be damaging. I am aware that most times is unintentional that is not the point, the field of #SocialServices, #Psychiatry, #MentalHealth is not set up for the professionals benefit but correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t it set up for the clients, for support, help, to initiate change and growth when possible well it often appears that reality has fallen by the wayside.

Yesterday, while I sat waiting my turn to go in at the psychiatric office the women from Canada Disability Tax Credit office called me I wanted to see this as a good sign, since my hopes was to get support, understanding and at some point have the doc fill in the forms adequately so they could reinstate my status. The women I had spoken to a number of times from the Gov’t was extremely understanding and left me with a good feeling,  you know when someone just gets it even if their hands on tied and the freedom to speak is hindered. So I saw this as a possible “good” sign but life has a way of reminding that noting is good or bad it just is and whole moly this is one hell of a just is sign. Out of crap there are often some great opportunities to practice and be reminded once again noting is good or bad, IT JUST IS.

So I’m now called into the office, as in any first appointment with this psychiatrist the standard mundane questions are addressed.

I’m an only child but I do have 4 siblings, is at times enough to raise an eyebrow or two. Let the ride begin; all standard questions within the field.

How do you sleep, not great I tell him, I go to bed early, I wake up at around 4 am then I go back to sleep and if need be I do take a nap during the day.

He ask him if I am on any medication, I tell him what I’m taking some of which he states he is unfamiliar with.

I’m shaking my head as I write this. My jaw hits the floor, not once but repeatedly. So the psychiatrist ask me was I ever #SexuallyAbused, I reply yes. He ask how old I was, I tell him, he asks “how do I now I was sexually abused? WTF REALLY my first jaw drop smack hits the floor. I’m dumbfounded as to how to respond. I can feel my emotions gaining speed and raging. Gratefully I’ve had a fair amount of personal healing, therapy and I am currently attending @STJOESHAMILTON a #DBT program and I am able to maintain my composure, take  step back from my emotions, implement #Mindfulness and the practices learned of @MarshaLinehan. The only viable response to the question without losing my shit was to say “how do I know I was sexually abused? because I was there”

This second round my jaw hit the floor so hard a day later it actually hurts. In vaguely discussing key issues, my past including the #HumanTrafficking, this man turns to me and said”well you must have been asking  for it” Tears filled my eyes, I muster whatever it took to pull them back as hotter was no way I wanted to be vulnerable in the presence of this man. WTF does someone say to that, how is the acceptable way to respond to a totally fucked up unacceptable response from a professional.

He then proceeds to tell me I do not need anymore support or therapy, what I need is sleep pills. When I brought up the issue of needing to check with the pharmacist considering the cost of my current meds cost are just under $11,000 a month,  he was irritated so I let it drop and left with script in hand.

Since I’ve called #Sacha for support and the after math of yesterday made its way into next day, I often go on delayed reaction and I’m aware I’m not alone in that.

So for today in the midst of the weather storm, I weather my own aftermath of yesterday. Today I blog, I journal, tomorrow maybe I’ll write the @cpso.ca

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Well Call Me Crazy

I dont know anymore but at this stage of my life I’ve had this thought before in my youth, a time when i wasn’t as secure. I remember questioning above as if i had been dropped on the wrong planet, thinking folks were pantomiming life and the possibilities that they be other than human, judging from the nasty behaviours i witnessed and experienced back then, all feasible to me. Now I look around at the marvels of the world but not to blind sighted to see the under current of nasty that still exist. I see a human race bombarded at a ridiculous pace by technology and keeping up with the norms. Thin reenforced regardless if related to stress, poreless skin in every ad, labels worn on the outside fro all to see and fashion icons laughing to the bank having achieved mass desire to pay for and advertise free march from here to there, status symbols running a muck. Food no longer real and real no longer desirable because its doesn’t look the way we expect it, billions of pounds of foods toss based solely on appearance I could go on but it seems the list could be endless and that is not my desire to get bogged down in it. I’ve come to believe that we live & seem to thrive towards living in an illusionary world at times. Which brings me to the state of our #mentalhealthsystem, the stigma is ten fold for those with mental health issues working within the field. How can we provide good solid services in a system that promotes one pill for one thing, another for the side effects and yet another for this that and the other. We perceive and label those who have been labelled as if a bad thing. One4 common thread I have found is the heightened sensitivity amongst many yet we deem that as if its bad, as if its a mental health issue in itself the option perhaps is to dull our senses then u tell me all will be well, bull shit I say. I’m not to sensitive, I am what I am and maybe its an issue of external circumstances/life being to damn callous for my liking. Toughen up I’d hear them say, laying on just a tad more crap as if that was going to help, morons I wanted to scream but back then I was silenced and speechless, standing on shaky ground. Now well I’m older, though not always crazy about that fact, more doc app than I care for but on the up side, I stand firm. My beliefs may differ but why can’t that just be okay, after I’m doing you no harm and Im not imposing mine on you. I speak out in offices and form 1’s appears as if its the golden answer to anything we may see differently. I come from a long line of not crazy, from full frontal lobotomy to white jackets with incredibly long sleeves that warp around ones self as if hugging, bull shit, to padded rooms. So call me crazy, what you say is really none of my business if I must bottom line it, don’t get me wrong there are many whom I value their opinions, their perception, thoughts & input and thats enough for me. Today I am as sensitive as I once was. Today I am more secure than ever, today I am happy and today my sanity is still under debate by the so called ‘sane” ones and thats my 2 cents. sincerely,

Robin Zee wishing everyone well cause anything else is a waste of my time

Inner Child Series and Ethics

I speak only for myself as what sits well with me and what doesn’t. Over the course of many years having travelled both as a Patient and a Facilitator, Counsellor & Coach. I bring about a 2 sided view & I have reached an age where I have chosen what feels right sometimes despite the opinions of others. I will prefix this by saying I also do taken on the opinions of mentors and have a supervisor that I work with as I do not believe in functioning within a vacuum and a person one admires and respects despite disagreements is essential to delivering professional care.

I spent as many know, years lost & trapped, dazed & confused drowning in my own pain. Self medicating to the point of suicidal ideations. I remember a doctor once told me that after the numerous years he had know me “if i jumped off the CN tower, I’d be the gal to sprain my ankle”. I pushed every limit I could as i just wanted the pain to stop. Eventually after years and additional havoc added to what was already a bloody mess, I found the rabbit hole out. I worked hard I got clean, I did therapy, I reached out & got educated with degrees (yay:-).

I did what I was able too at my own pace with the support of some amazing people along the way.

I went back to school, graduated with Honours, a Certified Addiction & Mental health Counsellor & Life Skills Coach. I took workshops and courses on #flashbacks, hours of training as a facilitator and I honed my skills just to name a few. I co-founded an exit program for #StreetProstitution. I volunteered to no end and worked like a mad women. Everything that had impacted me I wanted to contribute to making a difference; from #SexualAbuse, #Neglect, #Abandonment, #Addiction, #HumanTrafficking, #StreetLife and all neatly wrapped under the label of #MentalHealth & sadly the #stigma.

To some degree I felt as if I was playing catching up, I was like a sponge wanting to soak up everything. I went from the attitude of “If life is a gift, where the hell is the fucking return counter” to some health scares as a result of past to “omg I dont wanna die now”.

I then became a parent and so wanted to be the kind of parent that was able to be emotionally present. So I worked harder and now well, I have a one women show called #BorderLineMe a slice of my life. I run a small Inner Child Series Workshop & maintain a few clients.

One thing I’ve learned is that when dealing with people as much as I want to be helpful, everyones idea of help of support differs & yes I have had to turn down clients whom I felt I was not qualified to responsibly  help. I had many including my family that wanted to be helpful but didn’t know how, wanted to help but made things worse, like salt on an open wound. I’ve been scolded, misunderstood &  I’ve been blessed to be surrounded by a small inner circle that totally gets me where I don’t have to justify or explain especially when I’m down & low on energy. I’ve had people insist on what I “should” do or be like and I’ve learned to mimic a duck, as they let it roll off their backs. Despite all this I try to be aware and seek council when entering a new therapeutic venture maybe its a lack of self trust or maybe its just my way to keeping things in check & balance but it works for me.

When creating a space for others to help themselves, its important to assess where a person is at, we all travel at our own pace, its integral to honour that.

I love what I do and I hope to continue doing so for as long as I can. I’ve come to this age, thru this path with my Nehsama, my Soul seeking not what I can get but more so what I can give.

I ran my first #InnerChildSeries as a 4 week workshop, to explore the end of 2015 to end one year and begin a new. It was unanimously requested the series continue thru out the winter which we did and now we are approaching spring. A poignant time indeed, as a result I will be starting another #InnerChildSeries to begin the end of March 2016. Our group is small, safe & intimate. For those requesting any additional info or expressed interest, please feel free to contact me at robinzilberg@me.com and I’d be happy to discuss this with you further.
At the end of it all, its about making a difference in the lives of others that makes me tick and sparks my Soul to  dance freely.

thank you and wish you all a great week

someone else pic found on fb

thank y0u @cyndi_ingle for a great shot from the fundraiser for @ElizabethFrySociety @The Spice Factory in #Hamont

The Aftermath of yesterdays

The ups & the downs, the games people play. Come here go away. Maneuvering in heels, trying not to lose my balance. 

One day good, next day small. I am brave as I am frightened. Last night was surreal. And today, well I’m just not sure what to say

Have you ever felt as if your on top of the world, throwing caution to the wind standing in the spot light only to awake a million miles removed from 

As if 

The weight has shifted, stepping back away from the focus wanting to hide from the light

Have you ever?

Certainly this cannot be be unique 

Signs of normalcy 

By RobinZee1