Relationships from a survivor of Human Trafficking

A roller coaster ride

It’s taken me a long time and a lot of personal work to heal and come to terms with my life experiences.

But despite the growth and healing

I still struggle with the concept of relationship.

I first got to know this man, I saw him in his natural day to day life, you know like how you are before you’ve brushed your teeth. And the more I got to know him the more I found myself smitten with him, with not only his appearance but his character traits and after well over a year, I decided to take the plunge. We are now a couple and have been for over a year though the date we decided to take the plunge alludes me.

Relationships are such  strange thing. I cringe at how dependant I now feel, I have never felt comfortable with feeling comfortable maybe it’s a form a sabotage, who knows. I try to keep the reigns tight. I try to drive my emotions as oppose to them driving me.  I try to remind myself that I am deserving of care and love.

Then there’s those little things, you know the ones that are really irrelevant that can drive one nuts. Sometimes I think they are an excuse to avoid

this relationship stuff if so new to me, to learn to drop my guard, to allow myself to feel safe and protected at least to the best of his ability.

My first sexual abuse started when i was two or three, at around eight I was rented out and at 34 I escaped the hell I had lived in. When I came to Hamilton I started to grow into my skin. To claim my voice, set my boundaries and take up space for myself. All this was so foreign to me, as is being in a relationship. Sometimes I get antsy and expect the other shoe to fall and so far it hasn’t fallen.

I remember being terrified to have sexual intimacy without the use of drugs, flashbacks would flood in an/or I would disassociate, not intentionally but more so automatically. I still find myself struggling with that I don’t think that will ever change. Being connected more so now than ever before brings a new freshness to the pain I hid from for so many years. My disconnection happened so long ago its truly all I have ever know.

Now in a relationship learning to share myself with another, yikes. It’s time to transform what was, to hold onto to my boundaries while learning to let go, to trust.

that’s all i can write for now

 

 

 

Shifting tides, humaness

A MOUTH FULL

What I’ve learned and experienced, the short version

I was born into a disconnect of human contact, no that’s not true. My family was emotionally unavailable, unable and it was during a twisted time of the 50’s, concepts that had most people pantomiming life and negating inner true selves. It wasn’t a disconnect of human contact but was a connect of adult connect imposed upon me, a child. My life began and was entrenched in sexual abuse, adult situations that no child has the ability to cope with. I grew and the turmoil I experienced grew within me with no healthy outlet. I eventually came to believe that if bad shit happened I seem to always be at the core of it. I believed you can trust people, you can always trust that they will fuck you over, maybe not today but eventually. I was fucked, robbed beaten, sold, caged and tortured. My outlook of human kind was as a result of my experience, which reinforced the world as an unsafe uncaring place. I felt for most of my life that this gift called life was a cruel joke and life was like a jail sentence with only one way out.

I want to express the shift that has unfolded in my life.

Recently having been hospitalized, the intensity of not being able to catch my breath along with influenza B with the reality of possibly not making it thru, much reflecting transpired.

The flood of messages, visits and outpour of love is very much for me the other side of the coin, having gone from darkness into the light as a result of love, amazes me. I am not sure words can express the impact you folks have had on this little old gal. I still cautiously approach the feelings as if in a surreal dream like state. I want to jump in it. Craving to immerse my body as if sliding into a warm bath secure and blanketed. I #persist regardless of my past, I want so very much to soak it all in to my every pore. My hesitation is not a conscious one but more so as a result of my past and the reality that our bodies store memories and we at times unconsciously hesitate. But I plow thru because I deserve to feel what is being offered, my eyes tear up with overwhelmed sensation of love and I take 2 steps back. But I persist, I am worthy.

Sometimes in our busy day and social media we hit like, hearts, tears. A quick word posted in response to. I am overwhelmed, floored and so deeply touched by the love and caring that was expressed. I am so grateful words cannot do it justice. For all of you who checked in on me who expressed care and good wishes, I thank you. Believe it or not, you are my lifeline. You play an integral role in making new good memories and experiences for me. The road I’ve travelled has been a hard one but at the latter end of this stretch, you have played a part in shifting what was into what is and what is beautiful. You have made a world of difference to me and as a result this impacts everything I do, its help make me the woman I am, the mother I am and I have a kick ass exceptionally wonderful daughter. It takes a village and what a village I have.

I want to write more but I have to pull myself together and it takes me quite a bit longer to do stuff, so for now I am signing off

Awareness solidified

For a moment I stood pondering, then it hit me. All so often I think when we hear love, the thought of one love/partner/spouse seems to be the norm where we go too but I what struck me was how many wonderful loving people I have in my life that #love me and that I love, so no I’m not picking that door though a potential partner could walk they it, after it’s not locked. And #immortality, hell no, there’s absolutely no way I want to stay on this planet forever, some days I can barely handle being here. So I’ll take the #wealth door, I’m not money oriented per say and I’m not a consumer of #labels considering the #mentalhealth field has already given me a wide variety (Kim Doolittle used to say a million miles removed from boring lol xo) but with wealth, I could remove the #financialstress of making ends meet, I could make a difference in the lives of family, friends and strangers. So wealth it is, bring it on 2017

So which door would you choose, after all there is no right or wrong answer, it’s a practice of #discovery & #motives 

Fell free to jump in

Suicide & how to fight it

#Suicide, I’ve been there many times. I once had a doctor who had travelled  along the journey with me eventually say tell me  “that if i jumped off the CN  Tower I’d be the gal who’d sprain my ankle” that didn’t stop me. The pain of severe #PTSD along with other #MentalHealthDiagnosis was so intense I ached for relief. #Medication flew my way to no avail, yes I acknowledge for some it helps and that I wouldn’t discourage. I learned in #DBT to do what towards. So Ive come to realize that meds along with therapy can offer great #changes but for me. I opted to stay off meds, trust issues  and the feeling like someones guinea pig was causing me more #anxiety than I could cope with.  So do we wage war on suicide or do we look at the causes behind  it.  To some degree it feels  much like fitting the war on #drugs  as oppose to looking at the causes. I think folks  including myself that when i feel suicidal, it’s a result of not fitting in, it’s a result of living in a scary world, it’s a result of being called to sensitive with the option of being desensitized  which reminds me to much of my days of using, because i couldn’t handle being in my own skin. I couldn’t handle the world as it is and the truth is  the world will not change on my behalf, few will. The only thing left I found was to learn how to self care and maneuver thru this fuel world with a different perception  than the one I have. Not that I think the one  I do have it  is broken or inaccurate, its just that the only result of having it resulted in me feeling small and wanting to die. What choice did I  have. For years in fact for most of my life,  I was immersed in pain. When folks stated life is a gift, my first response was to ask where the return counter was.  I just wanted to stop feeling the way I did, I wanted triggers to stop, to side step them all was to achieve the impossible. Sometimes the wind  would hurt so badly as if slapping my raw exposed skin, my soul screamed for mercy.   I discovered that there was no catch phrase that would work. I often had no idea of what triggered my flashbacks or panics, it seem to me that some things that once worked now caused pain and vice versa.  There is no avoiding catalyst that send me into a tail spin, no simple answer. So my only recourse was to learn what to do when this happened so I wouldn’t drown. I remember a scent of mens cologne leaving me under the covers small and in fetal position, soaked in tears for days. The brand will not producing the scent nor will folks stop buying because of me and my pain.  Truth is I think we live in an incredibly incentive world and that insensitivity often pushes some including me over the edge. People lacks of empathy, lack of compassion & understanding  is like pouring salt on an open wound.  So  how do we change things, to lower the risk of suicide for ourselves and others. Our #MentalHealth System is in itself enough to push & re-traumatize the person in need. People don’t have to understand, they may not be able to relate (good for them but don’t allow your lack of understanding to cause another more pain) You do not need to understand the pain of others in order to acknowledge, be sensitive, caring & compassionate.We fall thru the cracks, there are lots of good workers  working within a broken system, that is the reality we live in. Maybe some can relate maybe I’m crazy and just my words blowing in the wind but whatever  or however this strikes you. I wish all good mental health. I pray for the human race our world who can reach sensitivity, compassion whether they understand or not because all to often in order to understand you must have gone, been or experienced a dark place. Let the Light shine on us, bringing love and tenderness.

Teaching our children well means what?

#Parenting, no manual they told me. Well, I say  BULLSHIT. I found many #books on parenting narrowed it down to those who resonated and I read reread practiced and even went as far as emailing #BarbaraColoroso for advice, thats not to say I am prefect though I do believe I have made some perfect mistakes and had to accept my own humanesss. Step up to the plate and own mine to my little girl, how #humbling but I wanted to set an example of ownership and that mistakes are a part of life, its how we learn, no biggy. Of course done in sync to age appropriate bottom line I wanted to be a conscious parent. I wanted to choose the kind of parent I wanted to be, so ya there are ample #manuals on parenting.

I think we all start off with please & thank you. Funny as I write I reminisce of teaching my daughter the same initial lesson. Now you say “thank you”  and she reply with “your welcome” cracked me up as I contorted searching for alternative ways to meet one of my first basic task, basic manners. I got a whole bunch of your welcomes for a while there.

I think part of our job as parents is not only to provide a #loving #encouraging and #supportive #environment but its also to teach our children to be independent, think for themselves and be self sufficient which brings me to this:

I’ve started noticing how many young adults, teens have no idea of budgeting, filling in apartment applications and all that jazz. Sometimes I wonder if we just do to damn much for kids today, rendering them crippled and dependant. A tad mind blowing, sad and scary. The down fall of this approach is that their anxiety levels rise as they are not prepared to cope with the day to day stuff, like finding an apartment, the lease and how to shop local & wisely.

This is a #loaded topic, please fell free to follow and/or just post you comments on my blog  or you can also find me on Twitter @BorderLineMe

and now I’m gonna wrap it up cause I’m off the #StaircaseTheatre to read/participate in #DearestDiary. Wishing you all a great day. Hey one more thing all this #parenting also can apply to self if you don’t happen to have one of these little people. #InnerChild rocks on-happy growth y’all

 

Inner Child Series and Ethics

I speak only for myself as what sits well with me and what doesn’t. Over the course of many years having travelled both as a Patient and a Facilitator, Counsellor & Coach. I bring about a 2 sided view & I have reached an age where I have chosen what feels right sometimes despite the opinions of others. I will prefix this by saying I also do taken on the opinions of mentors and have a supervisor that I work with as I do not believe in functioning within a vacuum and a person one admires and respects despite disagreements is essential to delivering professional care.

I spent as many know, years lost & trapped, dazed & confused drowning in my own pain. Self medicating to the point of suicidal ideations. I remember a doctor once told me that after the numerous years he had know me “if i jumped off the CN tower, I’d be the gal to sprain my ankle”. I pushed every limit I could as i just wanted the pain to stop. Eventually after years and additional havoc added to what was already a bloody mess, I found the rabbit hole out. I worked hard I got clean, I did therapy, I reached out & got educated with degrees (yay:-).

I did what I was able too at my own pace with the support of some amazing people along the way.

I went back to school, graduated with Honours, a Certified Addiction & Mental health Counsellor & Life Skills Coach. I took workshops and courses on #flashbacks, hours of training as a facilitator and I honed my skills just to name a few. I co-founded an exit program for #StreetProstitution. I volunteered to no end and worked like a mad women. Everything that had impacted me I wanted to contribute to making a difference; from #SexualAbuse, #Neglect, #Abandonment, #Addiction, #HumanTrafficking, #StreetLife and all neatly wrapped under the label of #MentalHealth & sadly the #stigma.

To some degree I felt as if I was playing catching up, I was like a sponge wanting to soak up everything. I went from the attitude of “If life is a gift, where the hell is the fucking return counter” to some health scares as a result of past to “omg I dont wanna die now”.

I then became a parent and so wanted to be the kind of parent that was able to be emotionally present. So I worked harder and now well, I have a one women show called #BorderLineMe a slice of my life. I run a small Inner Child Series Workshop & maintain a few clients.

One thing I’ve learned is that when dealing with people as much as I want to be helpful, everyones idea of help of support differs & yes I have had to turn down clients whom I felt I was not qualified to responsibly  help. I had many including my family that wanted to be helpful but didn’t know how, wanted to help but made things worse, like salt on an open wound. I’ve been scolded, misunderstood &  I’ve been blessed to be surrounded by a small inner circle that totally gets me where I don’t have to justify or explain especially when I’m down & low on energy. I’ve had people insist on what I “should” do or be like and I’ve learned to mimic a duck, as they let it roll off their backs. Despite all this I try to be aware and seek council when entering a new therapeutic venture maybe its a lack of self trust or maybe its just my way to keeping things in check & balance but it works for me.

When creating a space for others to help themselves, its important to assess where a person is at, we all travel at our own pace, its integral to honour that.

I love what I do and I hope to continue doing so for as long as I can. I’ve come to this age, thru this path with my Nehsama, my Soul seeking not what I can get but more so what I can give.

I ran my first #InnerChildSeries as a 4 week workshop, to explore the end of 2015 to end one year and begin a new. It was unanimously requested the series continue thru out the winter which we did and now we are approaching spring. A poignant time indeed, as a result I will be starting another #InnerChildSeries to begin the end of March 2016. Our group is small, safe & intimate. For those requesting any additional info or expressed interest, please feel free to contact me at robinzilberg@me.com and I’d be happy to discuss this with you further.
At the end of it all, its about making a difference in the lives of others that makes me tick and sparks my Soul to  dance freely.

thank you and wish you all a great week

someone else pic found on fb

thank y0u @cyndi_ingle for a great shot from the fundraiser for @ElizabethFrySociety @The Spice Factory in #Hamont

Labels what R they good for

It all started Wednesday morning after I posted a tweet from @robinzee1

“Let’s end the stigma on ‪#‎mentalhealth‬! ‪#‎BellLetsTalk‬
‪#‎BorderLineMe‬ i hate the word stigma &
harm it does. SpreadTheWord ‪#‎shareyourstory‬”

my friends comment to the post was this; Labels belong on can’s and not people……stigma hurts and hurtful comments cut deeper and sometimes the comments come from lack of understanding, compassion and empathy…sad are those who foam at the mouth are sadly those in need of therapy and much needed help the most.
They use the label on others to deflect not looking directly at themselves which is really sad 😦 by K.j. Hirter

This got me thinking as dissolving the stigma (i hate the word stigma) is a great catch phrase but, what’s it mean & how do we do that.

Stigma to me, comes with harsh perceptions, judgements, attitudes that often leave a person feeling threatened as its hurts ones soul, it hurst emotionally and spiritually.

At times I think #labels have their purpose and in all honesty there is nothing wrong with a label (on cans perhaps); some folks have told me they resent it, some have said they feel a sense of relief from it, some make light of it, some take it with a grain of salt.

Personally I often wanna scream out the only stigma that “should” attach itself to label is the word “normal” and whatever preconceived notion normal is & we have of that. Certainly, the times we live in seem to me, anything but healthy/normal so is normal equivalent to unhealthy cause it sure seems to be. But then I’ve been called crazy. I have never been called boring though, hmmmm

I’ve been diagnosed with a slew of #mentalhealth labels enough to warrant a one women show called @BorderLineMe and I have also reached the point in my life where I feel no shame though at times I do feel awkward & insecure but i think thats just my humanness surfacing. I find the world a scary place. But delivering my story of #sexualabuse, #addiction, #streetlife, #humantrafficking & #mentalhealth, #courage, #healing, #birth and so forth, well I’ve been told and have experienced it personally that it normalizes all the diagnosis, the labels that have been imposed on me.

My grandmother Sissie, used to tell me of a time when the big C “cancer” was entrenched in stigma, folks would take 3 steps back away from you, fear of it being contagious, fear of the unknown, fear, fear, fear. And now somehow the stigma of the big C Cancer dissolved yet the numbers of increased diagnoses also grew (considering Monsanto not surprising we’d be getting sick but that a different subject matter, sort of)

As issues of #mentalhealth increase, diagnosis increases (personally i think there is a correlation to diet/environment & don’t even get me started on pharmaceuticals)

Trying desperately to say to the point; folks more an more folks are either being diagnosed or know someone in the family &/or circle who has been diagnosed. It is wide spread and it is a part of main stream, no longer on the outskirts.

Sometimes i think we need a major overhaul; no shame in having a diagnosis, BIG SHAME in mocking or belittling someone who has been diagnosed, that is where the shame needs to really fall. More education, less fear, more stories being shared by the most courageous folks Ive ever crossed paths with, more normalizing it into the main stream.

One of the things I have noticed after having worked int he field of #MentalHealth and having experienced being a consumer of the services that it is very often those who project a distasteful judgement or attitude those who feed the stigma are so very often immersed in their own baggage but a zillion miles removed from owning it, admitting it, or even wanting to acknowledge it, so when you are sitting in the presence of a mental health worker and often reflecting similar and the professional is not as advanced as the person seeking the help, well ya end up with a mess and because when first entering the field for help, ya have a tendency of thinking believing that they know what they ar doing, well that ain’t necessarily so. Please don’t get me wrong there are some fabulous workers in the system, some great programs but at times its hit and miss but that doesn’t mean to give up, we keep on and we gravitate to those who accept us with all our quirks then we have found what feels like home, #acceptance, #love, #tenderness, #compassion. Truth is we don’t necessarily have to understand or be able to relate in order not to be an ass to another human being. Just because we may not agree doesn’t mean we have to pass judgement or cause another pain, after all its their life not yours.

In support with #BellLetsTalk movement and an advocate for dissolving and/or redirecting the #stigma attached to #MentalHealthlabels.

Sometimes I question if what i say makes any sense at all to anyone but me. That fact kept me in silence for years. At this stage and age, fuck it the only thing I do try to be aware of is that i not cause others pain.

Many times tempted to ask if anyone wants to swamp shoes, you know that old saying walk a mile in my shoes, I have asked in the past, so far no takers. Im making the best of what life has thrown my way, some throw there 2 cents in is to how I “should” and then i offer them my shoes and they back away. I do the best I can with the label imposed on me, with the reality of what it is to be me. This image rarely applies to me anymore, for which I am grateful, as I am much more accepting of myself now.

Share this:

The other day as the tension accumulated and knotted itself into my neck, I was tempted to post on #Facebook “seeking strong set of hands to massage my neck” I hesitated in the foresight of those jumping on and to conclusion while shaking my head. I wondered how many would reply with the back thought of massaging my neck, working their way down my back and sliding their hands up between my thighs. I couldn’t help but think how I am so not one of these gals who’s post that kind of invitation for anyone in particular to reply too. After all if I wanted more first off I would not post or announce it to the world (nobodies business) and I’m not a receptacle for someone to jack off into. What I really wanted is to alleviate the pain and knots in my neck. Interesting how so many are quick to jump on or into. There was a time I had posted something about knee pads and the post had gone south in misinterpretation, as if I was speaking or referring to a blow job. Good G-d, really.

There was recently an article I read about the challenges a single women travelling and the similarity to this thread; to dating and the bloody expectation that something more is expected because you bought dinner, a drink or an offer of something as straight forward as a please help me get the knots out of my neck. I can certainly understand a hopefulness for something more, I get that. However to not curtail that only leads to a solid no go, it aint happening come hell or high water as it. It leaves a stain. This year I am trimming the fat and already feel much calmer and once I made that decision, the knots began to loosen though I’m still in  the market for a neck rub which doesn’t equal a lay. Sometimes its much less aggravating to hire a masseuse and so it shall be. May your year be knot free.

Family Day reframed

I’m not oppose to additional stat days. Personally i think we’d be so much better off if our society functioned on a 35 hr week, 4 days as oppose to 7. I dont know what they were thinking calling it family day, totally oblivious how the painfulness it must cause those who have no family. But heres a twist, we are able to redefine the word, create our own tribe. A tribe can consist of new not blood related family members, isn’t that great? We all need to feel a part of, to belong, to have an imposed family the one you are stuck with or to recreate a family choosing members to be a part of. So in celebration of re defined definition of family, happy day to you all whether you a re related or not, is irrelevant. True family members are a part of as a result of how they make you feel, the role they [play in ur life. I am grateful to have true family members whom leave me feeling safe and loved and adopted/tribe family members as well. So celebrate the day off in whatever way you choose and keep in mind McGuinty was an ass for calling it that. xo

Id love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this, thanks