Shifting tides, humaness

A MOUTH FULL

What I’ve learned and experienced, the short version

I was born into a disconnect of human contact, no that’s not true. My family was emotionally unavailable, unable and it was during a twisted time of the 50’s, concepts that had most people pantomiming life and negating inner true selves. It wasn’t a disconnect of human contact but was a connect of adult connect imposed upon me, a child. My life began and was entrenched in sexual abuse, adult situations that no child has the ability to cope with. I grew and the turmoil I experienced grew within me with no healthy outlet. I eventually came to believe that if bad shit happened I seem to always be at the core of it. I believed you can trust people, you can always trust that they will fuck you over, maybe not today but eventually. I was fucked, robbed beaten, sold, caged and tortured. My outlook of human kind was as a result of my experience, which reinforced the world as an unsafe uncaring place. I felt for most of my life that this gift called life was a cruel joke and life was like a jail sentence with only one way out.

I want to express the shift that has unfolded in my life.

Recently having been hospitalized, the intensity of not being able to catch my breath along with influenza B with the reality of possibly not making it thru, much reflecting transpired.

The flood of messages, visits and outpour of love is very much for me the other side of the coin, having gone from darkness into the light as a result of love, amazes me. I am not sure words can express the impact you folks have had on this little old gal. I still cautiously approach the feelings as if in a surreal dream like state. I want to jump in it. Craving to immerse my body as if sliding into a warm bath secure and blanketed. I #persist regardless of my past, I want so very much to soak it all in to my every pore. My hesitation is not a conscious one but more so as a result of my past and the reality that our bodies store memories and we at times unconsciously hesitate. But I plow thru because I deserve to feel what is being offered, my eyes tear up with overwhelmed sensation of love and I take 2 steps back. But I persist, I am worthy.

Sometimes in our busy day and social media we hit like, hearts, tears. A quick word posted in response to. I am overwhelmed, floored and so deeply touched by the love and caring that was expressed. I am so grateful words cannot do it justice. For all of you who checked in on me who expressed care and good wishes, I thank you. Believe it or not, you are my lifeline. You play an integral role in making new good memories and experiences for me. The road I’ve travelled has been a hard one but at the latter end of this stretch, you have played a part in shifting what was into what is and what is beautiful. You have made a world of difference to me and as a result this impacts everything I do, its help make me the woman I am, the mother I am and I have a kick ass exceptionally wonderful daughter. It takes a village and what a village I have.

I want to write more but I have to pull myself together and it takes me quite a bit longer to do stuff, so for now I am signing off

Empath & narcissist – relationships

I was reading this article this morning and thought I’d share some of my experience and lessons learned.

I am an empath, that I doubt will ever change nor do I think I want it too. However I needed to learn not to internalize the emotions of others as if there were my own. I looked at the issues and emotions I do have that are my own and came to realize that there was really no room on my plate to take on responsibility or ownership of another’s. Nor is it my place to do so. Juggling that line between being #empathic and self care is an on going monitoring issue, as the root of my foundation and the majority of my life has been to set mine aside on behalf of others which never resulted in an end result that was in anyway beneficially to me. I have dealt with this with strangers, friends, lovers and family, drained dry and then toss aside triggered oh God, dare I say, a martyr in me. When I stopped to think at where this would lead me, it was clear to see, the end results could be; bitter in my old age, resentful, suicidal, hatred all those nasty things that I really didn’t want to aspire to becoming.

Something had to change.

So often it’s so easy to get caught up in the change or criticism of others, after all it’s easier to look outward at what the other needs to change as oppose to working on one’s own. Plus the points regarding dealing with a taker, a #narcissist are valid there’s no question about that but what I discovered is it’s somewhat like asking a liar to tell you the truth and eventually it ends up feeling as if I was banging my head against a brick wall and only felt as if I was sinking further into despair.

So what had to change was me, I didn’t want to give up being empathic but I needed to learn to set my own boundaries. It’s a full time job initially. I was always known as the gal who made a B-line for the worse mother fucker in the room. The person who needed rescuing.

I don’t know if this helps anybody, me sharing the journey, if it does great, if it doesn’t, oh well, so be it.

Giving and receiving is a two way street, I am not responsible for your behaviour I just know that at the end of the line, I don’t want to feel as if I’ve been taken, I don’t want to be used and tossed aside. Now I watch to see if I am feeling drained at the end of any encounter because I’ve had more than my fair share of vampire encounters.

Putting in the work I needed to do on me, brought me a sense of freedom and in reality it’s the only thing I have any control over.

Wishing y’all good #mentalhealth and a well balanced #relationship ❤

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I have to run with this I can’t sit back and say nothing. I pondered over this during the day.

I have walked on the edge many times, unsure if I would be able to survive, grasping to hold onto my sanity and many times wanting to release my grip. I have lost to many friends and relatives to suicide and came to believe that they did not kills themselves, their disease did.

If we looked at #MentalHealth issues for example #depression, #bipolar, #BorderlinePersonality, #PTSD they are no different than the disease of #cancer or #DisassociativeDisorder would it not change our views and help dissolve the #stigma that is attached? After all neither persons asked for this to happen.

discussion from recent posting on Facebook, a thought crossed my mind;
I believe wishful thinking can be put into action, mental health has stolen many lives in many ways including #suicide. When someone dies from cancer or another other physical disease we don’t attach stigma, maybe its time to start referring to it as a disease so that for those that don’t get it maybe start too.
Does anyone else struggle with the idea of calling #MentalIllness and/or #MentalHealthIssues a #disease?
or is it just me though i do think it could alter the stigma and for that reason alone I could adapt to the term disease.

I’m putting this out there again because I honestly want to hear from folks who have been diagnosed how the label to disease would/could impact them.

As I stated I’m not exactly comfortable with it myself but I would be willing to make the shift if there was any possibility of it having a positive impact on dissolving the impact of #stigma.

The #stigma that is attached to #MentalHealth issues can be so painful. Actually there are absolutely no redeeming qualities to stigma. It’s a lack of understanding, without understanding their can be little #compassion, #empathy and though it is most likely not intentional harm but #harmful nevertheless.

 

 

 

Awareness solidified

For a moment I stood pondering, then it hit me. All so often I think when we hear love, the thought of one love/partner/spouse seems to be the norm where we go too but I what struck me was how many wonderful loving people I have in my life that #love me and that I love, so no I’m not picking that door though a potential partner could walk they it, after it’s not locked. And #immortality, hell no, there’s absolutely no way I want to stay on this planet forever, some days I can barely handle being here. So I’ll take the #wealth door, I’m not money oriented per say and I’m not a consumer of #labels considering the #mentalhealth field has already given me a wide variety (Kim Doolittle used to say a million miles removed from boring lol xo) but with wealth, I could remove the #financialstress of making ends meet, I could make a difference in the lives of family, friends and strangers. So wealth it is, bring it on 2017

So which door would you choose, after all there is no right or wrong answer, it’s a practice of #discovery & #motives 

Fell free to jump in

The etiquette of the virtual world & my sanity

It’s certainly a learning curve navigating through the virtual world, not like being on the phone or face to face, thats for sure.

Dating exchanges play out as if you are face to face, opening lines like “how are you”, “hey”or “how was your weekend” but the reality is we are total strangers and thats a loaded question from a stranger. We are not face to face therefor some adjustments could be made. Taking into consideration that these lines though fine face to face are extremely limiting in a virtual world, after all hows a person suppose to answer these; I’m fine, my weekend was good all seem rather boring to me. Seems to me that one can get into a conversation and then the other person disappears and yes I am certainly guilty of this as well. This one doesn’t trigger me nearly as much as the one below. However in counselling practice I can say I’ve had a number of clients whoever sense of #selfesteem & #mentalhealth, sense of well being has been impacted on.

This happens on Facebook as well though not a dating site though sadly some do hit on you as if it is and thats creepy, guys and I wish they’d knock it off.

However I’m talking about within the chat private message box with friends and family. Lately I’ve had a few incidents where I’ve sent private messages, I see the person has been on line and yet they have never replied to the pm. So I’m left questioning the etiquette of the virtual world and yes it does play havoc on my mental health and sense of being. It triggers insecurities, I wonder if no answer is an answer in itself, after all even busy or not now would suffice, anything but to get nothing no acknowledgment at all. How does one progress that. I hear things like don’t let it bother you but truth is it does, its not that it’s crippling and I work at not obsessing over it and yes I said work at it. I try to see the humour in it but its a stretch. Have you ever been standing with someone life in a line up and they either went to the loo or whatever you turn around to discover you are talking to yourself, haha but they usually come back and it is rather giggly since everyone around you seems to be able to relate to it but how does it work in the virtual world cause it doesn’t tickle my funny bone at all, folks.

I’d rather hear something anything, than be left dangling in the wind. So what the hell is the proper etiquette on line.  I am asking cause for me personally I feel rude not replying (I can hear met parents voice echoing regarding manners) even a “not now” since there are times I do not want to talk and that’s ok. Im also aware that folks are not on 24/7 though some are and regardless there is not always time cause life stuff is happened. So I’m not suggesting immediacy but eventually, what the fuck up is for me is when I see they’ve been on line, they’ve posted and yet they can’t bother replying to a pm. Its sends a pretty clear message to me though Im not always sure how to process this or deal with it maybe the answer for me is to not bother dealing with it at all, after no reply is a message in itself. Cause its not at all like being on the phone, is it? What do you think?