Relationships from a survivor of Human Trafficking

A roller coaster ride

It’s taken me a long time and a lot of personal work to heal and come to terms with my life experiences.

But despite the growth and healing

I still struggle with the concept of relationship.

I first got to know this man, I saw him in his natural day to day life, you know like how you are before you’ve brushed your teeth. And the more I got to know him the more I found myself smitten with him, with not only his appearance but his character traits and after well over a year, I decided to take the plunge. We are now a couple and have been for over a year though the date we decided to take the plunge alludes me.

Relationships are such  strange thing. I cringe at how dependant I now feel, I have never felt comfortable with feeling comfortable maybe it’s a form a sabotage, who knows. I try to keep the reigns tight. I try to drive my emotions as oppose to them driving me.  I try to remind myself that I am deserving of care and love.

Then there’s those little things, you know the ones that are really irrelevant that can drive one nuts. Sometimes I think they are an excuse to avoid

this relationship stuff if so new to me, to learn to drop my guard, to allow myself to feel safe and protected at least to the best of his ability.

My first sexual abuse started when i was two or three, at around eight I was rented out and at 34 I escaped the hell I had lived in. When I came to Hamilton I started to grow into my skin. To claim my voice, set my boundaries and take up space for myself. All this was so foreign to me, as is being in a relationship. Sometimes I get antsy and expect the other shoe to fall and so far it hasn’t fallen.

I remember being terrified to have sexual intimacy without the use of drugs, flashbacks would flood in an/or I would disassociate, not intentionally but more so automatically. I still find myself struggling with that I don’t think that will ever change. Being connected more so now than ever before brings a new freshness to the pain I hid from for so many years. My disconnection happened so long ago its truly all I have ever know.

Now in a relationship learning to share myself with another, yikes. It’s time to transform what was, to hold onto to my boundaries while learning to let go, to trust.

that’s all i can write for now

 

 

 

Shifting tides, humaness

A MOUTH FULL

What I’ve learned and experienced, the short version

I was born into a disconnect of human contact, no that’s not true. My family was emotionally unavailable, unable and it was during a twisted time of the 50’s, concepts that had most people pantomiming life and negating inner true selves. It wasn’t a disconnect of human contact but was a connect of adult connect imposed upon me, a child. My life began and was entrenched in sexual abuse, adult situations that no child has the ability to cope with. I grew and the turmoil I experienced grew within me with no healthy outlet. I eventually came to believe that if bad shit happened I seem to always be at the core of it. I believed you can trust people, you can always trust that they will fuck you over, maybe not today but eventually. I was fucked, robbed beaten, sold, caged and tortured. My outlook of human kind was as a result of my experience, which reinforced the world as an unsafe uncaring place. I felt for most of my life that this gift called life was a cruel joke and life was like a jail sentence with only one way out.

I want to express the shift that has unfolded in my life.

Recently having been hospitalized, the intensity of not being able to catch my breath along with influenza B with the reality of possibly not making it thru, much reflecting transpired.

The flood of messages, visits and outpour of love is very much for me the other side of the coin, having gone from darkness into the light as a result of love, amazes me. I am not sure words can express the impact you folks have had on this little old gal. I still cautiously approach the feelings as if in a surreal dream like state. I want to jump in it. Craving to immerse my body as if sliding into a warm bath secure and blanketed. I #persist regardless of my past, I want so very much to soak it all in to my every pore. My hesitation is not a conscious one but more so as a result of my past and the reality that our bodies store memories and we at times unconsciously hesitate. But I plow thru because I deserve to feel what is being offered, my eyes tear up with overwhelmed sensation of love and I take 2 steps back. But I persist, I am worthy.

Sometimes in our busy day and social media we hit like, hearts, tears. A quick word posted in response to. I am overwhelmed, floored and so deeply touched by the love and caring that was expressed. I am so grateful words cannot do it justice. For all of you who checked in on me who expressed care and good wishes, I thank you. Believe it or not, you are my lifeline. You play an integral role in making new good memories and experiences for me. The road I’ve travelled has been a hard one but at the latter end of this stretch, you have played a part in shifting what was into what is and what is beautiful. You have made a world of difference to me and as a result this impacts everything I do, its help make me the woman I am, the mother I am and I have a kick ass exceptionally wonderful daughter. It takes a village and what a village I have.

I want to write more but I have to pull myself together and it takes me quite a bit longer to do stuff, so for now I am signing off

Empath & narcissist – relationships

I was reading this article this morning and thought I’d share some of my experience and lessons learned.

I am an empath, that I doubt will ever change nor do I think I want it too. However I needed to learn not to internalize the emotions of others as if there were my own. I looked at the issues and emotions I do have that are my own and came to realize that there was really no room on my plate to take on responsibility or ownership of another’s. Nor is it my place to do so. Juggling that line between being #empathic and self care is an on going monitoring issue, as the root of my foundation and the majority of my life has been to set mine aside on behalf of others which never resulted in an end result that was in anyway beneficially to me. I have dealt with this with strangers, friends, lovers and family, drained dry and then toss aside triggered oh God, dare I say, a martyr in me. When I stopped to think at where this would lead me, it was clear to see, the end results could be; bitter in my old age, resentful, suicidal, hatred all those nasty things that I really didn’t want to aspire to becoming.

Something had to change.

So often it’s so easy to get caught up in the change or criticism of others, after all it’s easier to look outward at what the other needs to change as oppose to working on one’s own. Plus the points regarding dealing with a taker, a #narcissist are valid there’s no question about that but what I discovered is it’s somewhat like asking a liar to tell you the truth and eventually it ends up feeling as if I was banging my head against a brick wall and only felt as if I was sinking further into despair.

So what had to change was me, I didn’t want to give up being empathic but I needed to learn to set my own boundaries. It’s a full time job initially. I was always known as the gal who made a B-line for the worse mother fucker in the room. The person who needed rescuing.

I don’t know if this helps anybody, me sharing the journey, if it does great, if it doesn’t, oh well, so be it.

Giving and receiving is a two way street, I am not responsible for your behaviour I just know that at the end of the line, I don’t want to feel as if I’ve been taken, I don’t want to be used and tossed aside. Now I watch to see if I am feeling drained at the end of any encounter because I’ve had more than my fair share of vampire encounters.

Putting in the work I needed to do on me, brought me a sense of freedom and in reality it’s the only thing I have any control over.

Wishing y’all good #mentalhealth and a well balanced #relationship ❤

The struggle is real

Today I got up. I noticed the energy thief, Awareness is key but really not being able to breath is also taxing me. Something has got to change.  On rainy days my well being tends to sink. I don’t want to be at the mercy of the weather, I don’t want to be at the mercy of anything.

Oh, sunny days, I still have to push myself up to some degree but the difference amazes me but these rainy days are killing me. As I age I’m more in tune and sensitive to what impacts me.  Oh these rainy days, the struggle is real and I’m feeling the weight of my past gone awry and present often feels so heavy. Something has got to change, perhaps a thicker more intense layer of gratitude focus would do the trick, certainly wouldn’t hurt me. Today I got up and today I’m giving myself permission to go back to sleep, as this is all so bloody draining. At least I can say there was some productivity and now I’m ready for more zzzz’s.

Praying for sunshine

Knowing I can weather the storm

I am a survivor, I must keep my head above the water

All will be well,

This

A reminder for me-weathering the storm, maybe the sky will be blue tomorrow 

 

Share this:

I have to run with this I can’t sit back and say nothing. I pondered over this during the day.

I have walked on the edge many times, unsure if I would be able to survive, grasping to hold onto my sanity and many times wanting to release my grip. I have lost to many friends and relatives to suicide and came to believe that they did not kills themselves, their disease did.

If we looked at #MentalHealth issues for example #depression, #bipolar, #BorderlinePersonality, #PTSD they are no different than the disease of #cancer or #DisassociativeDisorder would it not change our views and help dissolve the #stigma that is attached? After all neither persons asked for this to happen.

discussion from recent posting on Facebook, a thought crossed my mind;
I believe wishful thinking can be put into action, mental health has stolen many lives in many ways including #suicide. When someone dies from cancer or another other physical disease we don’t attach stigma, maybe its time to start referring to it as a disease so that for those that don’t get it maybe start too.
Does anyone else struggle with the idea of calling #MentalIllness and/or #MentalHealthIssues a #disease?
or is it just me though i do think it could alter the stigma and for that reason alone I could adapt to the term disease.

I’m putting this out there again because I honestly want to hear from folks who have been diagnosed how the label to disease would/could impact them.

As I stated I’m not exactly comfortable with it myself but I would be willing to make the shift if there was any possibility of it having a positive impact on dissolving the impact of #stigma.

The #stigma that is attached to #MentalHealth issues can be so painful. Actually there are absolutely no redeeming qualities to stigma. It’s a lack of understanding, without understanding their can be little #compassion, #empathy and though it is most likely not intentional harm but #harmful nevertheless.

 

 

 

Awareness solidified

For a moment I stood pondering, then it hit me. All so often I think when we hear love, the thought of one love/partner/spouse seems to be the norm where we go too but I what struck me was how many wonderful loving people I have in my life that #love me and that I love, so no I’m not picking that door though a potential partner could walk they it, after it’s not locked. And #immortality, hell no, there’s absolutely no way I want to stay on this planet forever, some days I can barely handle being here. So I’ll take the #wealth door, I’m not money oriented per say and I’m not a consumer of #labels considering the #mentalhealth field has already given me a wide variety (Kim Doolittle used to say a million miles removed from boring lol xo) but with wealth, I could remove the #financialstress of making ends meet, I could make a difference in the lives of family, friends and strangers. So wealth it is, bring it on 2017

So which door would you choose, after all there is no right or wrong answer, it’s a practice of #discovery & #motives 

Fell free to jump in

Aware of triggers, how to ride the wave

Watching a series on Netflix triggers my past

It’s the old west the 1800 or early 1900’s women and girls taken to work in the brothel to fuel expenses for a mine and a desperate attempt to get out from down u dear a most likely overbearing father.

My own history, a hundred years from a netflixs series rushes to my forefront of the times working in the trade. A time re surfaces when sex was imposed in childhood, graduating into the natural order of things , the sex trade. Yet still with a stained but embedded innocence. As emotional growth stunted at the time of trauma at times feels as if my body betrayed me and continued to grow alone & on its own. A disconnect digs its way down deep into the DNA of my core. To survive I disassociate tearing away from myself happens without thought or intent it comes automatically,our drive for survival is an amazing thing even when i wanted to die but tis less like death that I craved, I just wanted the pain to stop. I graduated from sex trade to human trafficking. I had to back track to piece together how I got there, own outright without a dollar changing into my hands.

Ranting, good 4 the Soul

I heard ranting is good for the soul, thanks @RickMercer

Rant on statement regarding humour: Recently I was told I don’t have a sense of humour based on the fact that I didn’t find something said to be funny, that’s fucked as he’s humour is the only way to go.

Ranting regarding the dating scene: texting someone at 1am is not appealing it’s a fucking booty call absent of any kind of flirtation.

Opening lines like hey or your hot are lame and uninspiring.

Or let’s go eat here, it’s cheap 

Talking about bodily functions or lack of, is TMI and should be avoided.

Hunky the horn to announce you have arrived to pick up your dare is in bad taste.

Statements or suggestions of what’s in it for me is in bad taste.

Leaving your date feeling not special Or receptacle like, will not get you laid 

The absence of courting sucks 

Expectations will always fuck  with your serenity

Getting your drawers in a knot because things are not going your way and express it, will not get you further ahead in your cause but will only create further hurdles and/or distanceAnd that’s my short rant for the day

BorderLineMe, Goes West

Coming next Friday, March 18th ONE NIGHT ONLY to the Intrepid Theatre Club in Victoria, BC,  Robin Zilberg in BorderLineMe.

Robin will also be receiving an award for being in the Top 40 Fabulous Women over 40 this Saturday too. Come to the show, my fellow Westerners, and see what all of the fuss is about. Link to tickets is below!

http://www.ticketrocket.co/event/details/87391/borderline-me

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Inner Child Series and Ethics

I speak only for myself as what sits well with me and what doesn’t. Over the course of many years having travelled both as a Patient and a Facilitator, Counsellor & Coach. I bring about a 2 sided view & I have reached an age where I have chosen what feels right sometimes despite the opinions of others. I will prefix this by saying I also do taken on the opinions of mentors and have a supervisor that I work with as I do not believe in functioning within a vacuum and a person one admires and respects despite disagreements is essential to delivering professional care.

I spent as many know, years lost & trapped, dazed & confused drowning in my own pain. Self medicating to the point of suicidal ideations. I remember a doctor once told me that after the numerous years he had know me “if i jumped off the CN tower, I’d be the gal to sprain my ankle”. I pushed every limit I could as i just wanted the pain to stop. Eventually after years and additional havoc added to what was already a bloody mess, I found the rabbit hole out. I worked hard I got clean, I did therapy, I reached out & got educated with degrees (yay:-).

I did what I was able too at my own pace with the support of some amazing people along the way.

I went back to school, graduated with Honours, a Certified Addiction & Mental health Counsellor & Life Skills Coach. I took workshops and courses on #flashbacks, hours of training as a facilitator and I honed my skills just to name a few. I co-founded an exit program for #StreetProstitution. I volunteered to no end and worked like a mad women. Everything that had impacted me I wanted to contribute to making a difference; from #SexualAbuse, #Neglect, #Abandonment, #Addiction, #HumanTrafficking, #StreetLife and all neatly wrapped under the label of #MentalHealth & sadly the #stigma.

To some degree I felt as if I was playing catching up, I was like a sponge wanting to soak up everything. I went from the attitude of “If life is a gift, where the hell is the fucking return counter” to some health scares as a result of past to “omg I dont wanna die now”.

I then became a parent and so wanted to be the kind of parent that was able to be emotionally present. So I worked harder and now well, I have a one women show called #BorderLineMe a slice of my life. I run a small Inner Child Series Workshop & maintain a few clients.

One thing I’ve learned is that when dealing with people as much as I want to be helpful, everyones idea of help of support differs & yes I have had to turn down clients whom I felt I was not qualified to responsibly  help. I had many including my family that wanted to be helpful but didn’t know how, wanted to help but made things worse, like salt on an open wound. I’ve been scolded, misunderstood &  I’ve been blessed to be surrounded by a small inner circle that totally gets me where I don’t have to justify or explain especially when I’m down & low on energy. I’ve had people insist on what I “should” do or be like and I’ve learned to mimic a duck, as they let it roll off their backs. Despite all this I try to be aware and seek council when entering a new therapeutic venture maybe its a lack of self trust or maybe its just my way to keeping things in check & balance but it works for me.

When creating a space for others to help themselves, its important to assess where a person is at, we all travel at our own pace, its integral to honour that.

I love what I do and I hope to continue doing so for as long as I can. I’ve come to this age, thru this path with my Nehsama, my Soul seeking not what I can get but more so what I can give.

I ran my first #InnerChildSeries as a 4 week workshop, to explore the end of 2015 to end one year and begin a new. It was unanimously requested the series continue thru out the winter which we did and now we are approaching spring. A poignant time indeed, as a result I will be starting another #InnerChildSeries to begin the end of March 2016. Our group is small, safe & intimate. For those requesting any additional info or expressed interest, please feel free to contact me at robinzilberg@me.com and I’d be happy to discuss this with you further.
At the end of it all, its about making a difference in the lives of others that makes me tick and sparks my Soul to  dance freely.

thank you and wish you all a great week

someone else pic found on fb

thank y0u @cyndi_ingle for a great shot from the fundraiser for @ElizabethFrySociety @The Spice Factory in #Hamont