Image courtesy of ErasingScott on Flickr
by Dr. Donna Ferguson, Psychologist with the WSIB Psychological Trauma Program
In the wake of tragic events such as last week’s shooting in Ottawa, many unanswered questions have arisen about the role that mental illness played, if any, in this attack. What I would like to discuss today is something different—the impact that such a traumatic event can have on others, including people we may know or work with.
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I think I’ve lost my focus a bit. When I started writing a couple of years or so ago, the purpose was to document my illness and track my progress; or lack thereof. Lately however it’s developed into something more thought out and creative. (Or at least an attempt at creativity). I intended to just pour out my thoughts and emotions, raw and unedited as my summary says. Very early in the process I decided to start a blog, thinking that maybe sharing my story would somehow help others. If nothing else, reading about what I was going through might make them feel better by comparison. I would write every day, documenting my mood and emotions. Now I’ve been looking for specific subjects and trying to make some kind of point. And I’ve had a difficult time finding things to write about.
So I’ve decided I need to go back…
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There is an unusual warm breeze in the air, the sky is grey a solemn day in Hamilton in remembrance of Nathan Cirillo . Terribly sad for a little boy who so needlessly lost his father. What an emotional display put on by the City of Hamilton. At one point the whole crowd was singing the National Anthem. You can feel the energy in the wind. It is also the last day of #ShelleyMarshall’s show Hold Mommy’s Cigarette after a 28 day run, truly inspiring. And today in a few hours I will hit the stage once again with #BorderLineMe at the #StaircaseTheatre in hopes of reducing, dissolving the stigma of #MentalHealth, #Addiction- The more we talk about it, the more we bring it into the light we can then see connections happening, stigma dissolving, courage blooming and the stigma diminishing. #BorderLineMe is based on a true story and the reasons for telling it are as stated above and truth is #SexualAbuse, #Violence, #HumanTrafficking and #MentalHealth are often swept under and away into the dark corners where no one sees. Its time to change that, to accept that we are emotional and spiritual beings, its time to let our spirits soar.
the show was so well received, in all #honesty a show is not the same without the audience now is it and I must say the audience rocked, engaged, open, fun and loving-the night was #magical. How wonderful to be dissolving the #stigma of #MentalHealth in a safe loving theatrical way. U ROCK MY WORLD XO
To those who read yesterdays post “Close to the Edge” and extended themselves, sent hugs kisses, phone numbers, kind words I am truly grateful, touched and want you to know i felt wrapped in a blanket of love by you all. I felt less alone and that got me thru the day. From the bottom of my heart, thank you
And this is how my day started; there are days when i feel like i just can’t do this anymore. I’m tired, I’m fed up and i see no point on continuing. It occurred to me today while driving, that while growing up i had no dreams, no aspirations every breath every moment was just trying to get to the next breath, to surviving the aftermath and the on going abuse. They stole it all, from the pedophile to the un protective parents who in turn blamed me as if it was my fault. The weight of it all is killing me as if i am sinking yet i still breath and in all honesty i don’t want to anymore. I truly can’t wait for all this to be over-so please don’t talk to me about the benefit of not smoking as I’m desperately trying to find benefits to living. Sounding very suicidal and in all honesty was feeling that way-hesitation crashed down by the thought of sharing this but at the same time, speaking it out loud seems to minimize the risk of following thru on anything and thats a good thing. i don’t really have anyone to call and share this stuff with even though i have awesome folks in my life, i am also very aware that the sharing of this subject matter leaves others frightened, concerned & awkward so blog blog blog. 
I thought this was an excellent read and points to bring out. People can be so insensitive, press can make light and reinforce such lack of sensitivity yet few connect the dots at their role, their part in contributing to pushing someone over the edge. the turmoil/mental health issues a person struggles with. We all have our line in the sand we draw as to our own limits. Living with a slew of diagnosis and having created a one woman show called #BorderLineMe yes i can certainly relate and i can say that the way the press deal with it prior to a suicide/death is appalling for the most part and is a contributing factor to a human beings pain. I know they say those in public life, well it comes wight he territory but what does that mean, is it cart blanche for folks to be insensitive. An actor or public person is still human being with feelings
Internet, we need to have a talk.
I’ve had a number of readers ask why I’ve neglected to write about Amanda Bynes this last year. It’s simple, really. I don’t believe that celebrities are “fair game,” and that, when they have very human and very difficult struggles, I should capitalize on those things by writing an article, however well-intentioned. I believe they are deserving of privacy and respect, by virtue of their being people.
However, I’m making an exception here, because in the midst of the negative and callous press that Bynes has received, I think it’s time we had a chat about it from a different perspective. And then, after we’re done, I think it’s time we stop speculating about it altogether. Deal?
First and foremost, there is no way for us to know what, if anything, Bynes has been diagnosed with. The family has denied schizophrenia and bipolar…
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When i was young I had no voice, no room to breath. It wasn’t that adults told me to be quiet or shut up I instinctively knew to keep quiet, parents/adults shut me down before I could even get started and for years I remained silenced, in fear of speaking up and out. But I’m an adult now which doesn’t change anything on its own but I can now speak up though its still not always easy for me. In part writing and putting on the show #BorderLineMe has given me the opportunity to speak up and share a slice of my life, in hopes of encouraging others as well as maintaining self encouragement. there is a freedom that is so sweet when i open my mouth and speak and yet with that and with the borderline personality disorder also comes a hesitation of weaken filters, good G-d what if i say the wrong thing and another voice yells out, by whose standards would it be the wrong thing to say, well by my own standards. Ive had to slow down in order not to blurt out stupid stuff and yet sometimes it slips thru anyway, such is life and i guess to a big degree it boils down to accepting my own humanness. Many times when walking into a new situation I’m tempted to go hide, butterflies flutter in my belly as i try to drum up the courage to stand true to my beliefs and do so in a way that is not at the expense of others. Im reclaiming my voice
As the days get shorter, darkness falls earlier. I can feel a shift happening, as if walking down a potentially slippery hill. I dig my feet in as to not loose my footing but i can feel it, the heaviness of winter is upon us and my energy is dwindling. I contemplated the SAD lights but reading further there is a caution for those who are also bipolar, warning manic episodes can be triggered. I stand very still caught between a rock and a hard place. My emotions are also heightened because i have not had a cigarette in 3 days now, so much oxygen leaves me light headed. Well its an art crawl friday ad i have a stack of postcards to hand out, feeling somewhat forced to go out which is probably a good thing, sometimes it just works that way. Sometimes its not about how I feel its just about pulling it together and getting out there, not letting fear get in my way. Sometimes i feel so small as if I’m gonna get stepped on, sometimes i take risks and post what i deem as a somewhat risky pic and justify that at my age fuck it i can and i will, so there u have it.
Sometimes i need to scream out just because I’m looking ok doesn’t mean i am, thinking about halloween and how to pull whats going on inside onto the outside of me, hoping mid daughter will do my make up, yay she said yes.
Seasons shift and there is nothing i can do to change that but try to go with the flow and hold onto my sanity
Today marks the anniversary of the great Janis Joplin’s death of a heroin overdose. Her contributions to the music industry to the world has lasted beyond her life. We are truly blessed to be the receivers of her talent. As I am pondering and allowing ideas, concepts to stir within the mind in preparation for extending my show #BorderLineMe. I can’t help but think of how many folks lost their lives to heroin overdoses. I was a junky for many years, my introduction to heroin came when I was in Miami and fell into a ring of human traffickers, trapped. My time spent travelling to various states was done in the trunk of a car, the sounds of muffled voices and the radio filtered thru and i truly believe what helped me to survivor the insanity of the situation relatively sane was my introduction to heroin, as much of the time was spent nodded out in a haze that kept my body calm and allowed my mind to drift off into a different reality. Don’t get me wrong I’m certainly not advocating heroin as a good thing to use but then travelling in the trunk of a car trapped in a human trafficking sex ring is not something Im for either. You reach a point where just in order to function to avoid intense pain, heroin becomes a necessity. I remember waking at 5 am just to fix in order to go back to sleep. I remember being locked away when i returned to Canada in order to get clean, to get off the junk that saved my sanity prior. Life is funny and we are all immersed in pre conceived notions, thoughts and beliefs. My journey exploded all stability, possibility & all signs of the norm. From #BiPolar, #PTSD, #DissociativeDisorder, #BorderLineDisorder #Addiction, #StreetLife and #HumanTrafficking, #MentalHealth is what I strive for and Ive had to redefine health as to pertain to me, no more imposed definitions from outsiders though i snatch bits and pieces that work for me along the way as i travelled in the insanity of this world. 
quick 2 cents, for any comments and likes on stuff I’ve posted-please be patient with me as i have yet to figure out how to respond on wordpress site but so do very much appreciate ur liking, following, sharing and commenting on post, thank u all
BorderLine Productions 