Empath & narcissist – relationships

I was reading this article this morning and thought I’d share some of my experience and lessons learned.

I am an empath, that I doubt will ever change nor do I think I want it too. However I needed to learn not to internalize the emotions of others as if there were my own. I looked at the issues and emotions I do have that are my own and came to realize that there was really no room on my plate to take on responsibility or ownership of another’s. Nor is it my place to do so. Juggling that line between being #empathic and self care is an on going monitoring issue, as the root of my foundation and the majority of my life has been to set mine aside on behalf of others which never resulted in an end result that was in anyway beneficially to me. I have dealt with this with strangers, friends, lovers and family, drained dry and then toss aside triggered oh God, dare I say, a martyr in me. When I stopped to think at where this would lead me, it was clear to see, the end results could be; bitter in my old age, resentful, suicidal, hatred all those nasty things that I really didn’t want to aspire to becoming.

Something had to change.

So often it’s so easy to get caught up in the change or criticism of others, after all it’s easier to look outward at what the other needs to change as oppose to working on one’s own. Plus the points regarding dealing with a taker, a #narcissist are valid there’s no question about that but what I discovered is it’s somewhat like asking a liar to tell you the truth and eventually it ends up feeling as if I was banging my head against a brick wall and only felt as if I was sinking further into despair.

So what had to change was me, I didn’t want to give up being empathic but I needed to learn to set my own boundaries. It’s a full time job initially. I was always known as the gal who made a B-line for the worse mother fucker in the room. The person who needed rescuing.

I don’t know if this helps anybody, me sharing the journey, if it does great, if it doesn’t, oh well, so be it.

Giving and receiving is a two way street, I am not responsible for your behaviour I just know that at the end of the line, I don’t want to feel as if I’ve been taken, I don’t want to be used and tossed aside. Now I watch to see if I am feeling drained at the end of any encounter because I’ve had more than my fair share of vampire encounters.

Putting in the work I needed to do on me, brought me a sense of freedom and in reality it’s the only thing I have any control over.

Wishing y’all good #mentalhealth and a well balanced #relationship ❤

Stolen curiosity impacts

It was the night before winter Solstices, the shortest day of the year, the longest night of the year. On my way to my first rehearsal having arrived early, I climbed up the stairs to the top where I found Barbara and a precocious two year old, who climbed into the cardboard box opened the jar of small plastic animals and proceeded to show me what she had, counting them, making animals sounds and giggling. Barbara commented on the amazing curiosity a child has at this stage. I remember when my daughter was that age and all through her right of passages I remember her curiosity with everything. I remember watching her in awe, totally bewildered and I probably watched her to much. She really does shine beyond belief. I was in total awe, I don’t remember having that curiosity as a child and not because I don’t remember but because that right of passing and it is a right of passage a part of the essential development of us human beings was stolen from me though childhood sexual abuse. I am so painfully aware of its absence, like a gapping black hole. I still carry the awkwardness and internal and external judgment from venturing there now in such adult years that I am. Yet having had that curiosity and innocence stolen still leaves a tainted craving to allow it to explore it at this stage, where it is no longer acceptable now may it even be possible to regain. Somethings lost cannot not be regained. I am left with that truth forever, still the emotions that are triggered at the witnessing of the curiosity of a child is bitter sweet, my eyes tear up in awe as it is such a magical state of being, such as essential part of our development and such a strange venture to continue life with its stolen absence.

And yet, life goes on years of intense darkness yet here I found myself a half century later immersed in Light. Life’s twist and turns, I always knew there was a another side of the fence though I’m not sure how I knew maybe it was that I got to periodically witness my siblings living it but regardless I just knew but I had no idea how to get there, how to jump the fence over into the light and it wasn’t a simple jump more so a process of unfolding and here I am, standing in the Light. Good things happening in my myself, productive and experiences so many new things, things I wish I could say I had dreamed of, but my dreams for the most part was surviving. I do however have a fleeting flash in pan memory when I moved to Niagara Falls and entered their high school, it was the stage that caught the corner of my eye then gone poof. I didn’t dare, I couldn’t, I shouldn’t, I was unable

the stage memory infiltrated during my first second round class with #SoulOtheatre, its moments like these that are embedded within me and rise to the light like a seed planted. Now I’m writing, preforming and in the show, from back stage into the spot light.

Sometimes I find myself aware of the awe of the changes and wonderful things happening in my life. It’s overwhelming delight that I find myself hesitant to touch and explore. Hesitancy a thread that runs from beginning but hopefully not to the end. I remind myself I am worthy, I am recouping, I am allowed to enjoy and explore this to the full extent.

Hesitancy, a thread that is so familiar to me, a life time relationship we’ve had. One that I want to sever and will do my best of my ability to break the tights that bind us, as its been like walking a tight rope. So today I retreat, gonna call it a mental health day

Aware of triggers, how to ride the wave

Watching a series on Netflix triggers my past

It’s the old west the 1800 or early 1900’s women and girls taken to work in the brothel to fuel expenses for a mine and a desperate attempt to get out from down u dear a most likely overbearing father.

My own history, a hundred years from a netflixs series rushes to my forefront of the times working in the trade. A time re surfaces when sex was imposed in childhood, graduating into the natural order of things , the sex trade. Yet still with a stained but embedded innocence. As emotional growth stunted at the time of trauma at times feels as if my body betrayed me and continued to grow alone & on its own. A disconnect digs its way down deep into the DNA of my core. To survive I disassociate tearing away from myself happens without thought or intent it comes automatically,our drive for survival is an amazing thing even when i wanted to die but tis less like death that I craved, I just wanted the pain to stop. I graduated from sex trade to human trafficking. I had to back track to piece together how I got there, own outright without a dollar changing into my hands.

In The Blink of an Eye, everything can change

 

Car crash 2 gone, no survivors

One Suicide

2 separate continents

2 separate messages back to back

Numb

Floating in limbo

In a fraction of a second everything can change

Impact as if

A concrete wall

A soul wrenched in excruciating pain

Lives gone, life continues

In limbo

Shock and speechless

Outpour of love and kindness

Wanting to retreat from the world

Chatty me, side stepping emotions, only to end up in yuk, fuck this, not my wisest move should not have gone there, left feeling stupid but overshadowed by

Just as it should be

But was stupid on my part, what was I thinking, just cause something heavy is brought up doesn’t mean I have to run with it and anyway who bring more heavy to the table under these circumstances. No control, no power not mine to contend with

My plate is full

Retreat

Retreat

Retreat

I glance over at the loving gentle kind compassionate comments and feel as if I am blanketed with tenderness, bitter sweet

Wanting to be held, to break down but fear my own vulnerability and cannot force the tears

Knowing they will come, they will run down my face

My heart aches

Wisest in my tiny mind

Paint the portrait a mother and son

A son who is no longer

Gunned down, shot in the back

My heartbreaks

Unto the canvas I pour my tears.

 

Suicide & how to fight it

#Suicide, I’ve been there many times. I once had a doctor who had travelled  along the journey with me eventually say tell me  “that if i jumped off the CN  Tower I’d be the gal who’d sprain my ankle” that didn’t stop me. The pain of severe #PTSD along with other #MentalHealthDiagnosis was so intense I ached for relief. #Medication flew my way to no avail, yes I acknowledge for some it helps and that I wouldn’t discourage. I learned in #DBT to do what towards. So Ive come to realize that meds along with therapy can offer great #changes but for me. I opted to stay off meds, trust issues  and the feeling like someones guinea pig was causing me more #anxiety than I could cope with.  So do we wage war on suicide or do we look at the causes behind  it.  To some degree it feels  much like fitting the war on #drugs  as oppose to looking at the causes. I think folks  including myself that when i feel suicidal, it’s a result of not fitting in, it’s a result of living in a scary world, it’s a result of being called to sensitive with the option of being desensitized  which reminds me to much of my days of using, because i couldn’t handle being in my own skin. I couldn’t handle the world as it is and the truth is  the world will not change on my behalf, few will. The only thing left I found was to learn how to self care and maneuver thru this fuel world with a different perception  than the one I have. Not that I think the one  I do have it  is broken or inaccurate, its just that the only result of having it resulted in me feeling small and wanting to die. What choice did I  have. For years in fact for most of my life,  I was immersed in pain. When folks stated life is a gift, my first response was to ask where the return counter was.  I just wanted to stop feeling the way I did, I wanted triggers to stop, to side step them all was to achieve the impossible. Sometimes the wind  would hurt so badly as if slapping my raw exposed skin, my soul screamed for mercy.   I discovered that there was no catch phrase that would work. I often had no idea of what triggered my flashbacks or panics, it seem to me that some things that once worked now caused pain and vice versa.  There is no avoiding catalyst that send me into a tail spin, no simple answer. So my only recourse was to learn what to do when this happened so I wouldn’t drown. I remember a scent of mens cologne leaving me under the covers small and in fetal position, soaked in tears for days. The brand will not producing the scent nor will folks stop buying because of me and my pain.  Truth is I think we live in an incredibly incentive world and that insensitivity often pushes some including me over the edge. People lacks of empathy, lack of compassion & understanding  is like pouring salt on an open wound.  So  how do we change things, to lower the risk of suicide for ourselves and others. Our #MentalHealth System is in itself enough to push & re-traumatize the person in need. People don’t have to understand, they may not be able to relate (good for them but don’t allow your lack of understanding to cause another more pain) You do not need to understand the pain of others in order to acknowledge, be sensitive, caring & compassionate.We fall thru the cracks, there are lots of good workers  working within a broken system, that is the reality we live in. Maybe some can relate maybe I’m crazy and just my words blowing in the wind but whatever  or however this strikes you. I wish all good mental health. I pray for the human race our world who can reach sensitivity, compassion whether they understand or not because all to often in order to understand you must have gone, been or experienced a dark place. Let the Light shine on us, bringing love and tenderness.

BorderLineMe, Goes West

Coming next Friday, March 18th ONE NIGHT ONLY to the Intrepid Theatre Club in Victoria, BC,  Robin Zilberg in BorderLineMe.

Robin will also be receiving an award for being in the Top 40 Fabulous Women over 40 this Saturday too. Come to the show, my fellow Westerners, and see what all of the fuss is about. Link to tickets is below!

http://www.ticketrocket.co/event/details/87391/borderline-me

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#MentalHealthSystem; #Complaints & #Solutions

I stumble as I try to think of what the title this, particularly after yesterdays ride and the aftermath vibration as a result of an initial appointment with a new #psychiatrist. My emotions stirred  having worked in the field with those as dense as a concrete block within a cracked system with little to no accountability. It’s one thing, not to be helpful and a whole other thing to be damaging. I am aware that most times is unintentional that is not the point, the field of #SocialServices, #Psychiatry, #MentalHealth is not set up for the professionals benefit but correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t it set up for the clients, for support, help, to initiate change and growth when possible well it often appears that reality has fallen by the wayside.

Yesterday, while I sat waiting my turn to go in at the psychiatric office the women from Canada Disability Tax Credit office called me I wanted to see this as a good sign, since my hopes was to get support, understanding and at some point have the doc fill in the forms adequately so they could reinstate my status. The women I had spoken to a number of times from the Gov’t was extremely understanding and left me with a good feeling,  you know when someone just gets it even if their hands on tied and the freedom to speak is hindered. So I saw this as a possible “good” sign but life has a way of reminding that noting is good or bad it just is and whole moly this is one hell of a just is sign. Out of crap there are often some great opportunities to practice and be reminded once again noting is good or bad, IT JUST IS.

So I’m now called into the office, as in any first appointment with this psychiatrist the standard mundane questions are addressed.

I’m an only child but I do have 4 siblings, is at times enough to raise an eyebrow or two. Let the ride begin; all standard questions within the field.

How do you sleep, not great I tell him, I go to bed early, I wake up at around 4 am then I go back to sleep and if need be I do take a nap during the day.

He ask him if I am on any medication, I tell him what I’m taking some of which he states he is unfamiliar with.

I’m shaking my head as I write this. My jaw hits the floor, not once but repeatedly. So the psychiatrist ask me was I ever #SexuallyAbused, I reply yes. He ask how old I was, I tell him, he asks “how do I now I was sexually abused? WTF REALLY my first jaw drop smack hits the floor. I’m dumbfounded as to how to respond. I can feel my emotions gaining speed and raging. Gratefully I’ve had a fair amount of personal healing, therapy and I am currently attending @STJOESHAMILTON a #DBT program and I am able to maintain my composure, take  step back from my emotions, implement #Mindfulness and the practices learned of @MarshaLinehan. The only viable response to the question without losing my shit was to say “how do I know I was sexually abused? because I was there”

This second round my jaw hit the floor so hard a day later it actually hurts. In vaguely discussing key issues, my past including the #HumanTrafficking, this man turns to me and said”well you must have been asking  for it” Tears filled my eyes, I muster whatever it took to pull them back as hotter was no way I wanted to be vulnerable in the presence of this man. WTF does someone say to that, how is the acceptable way to respond to a totally fucked up unacceptable response from a professional.

He then proceeds to tell me I do not need anymore support or therapy, what I need is sleep pills. When I brought up the issue of needing to check with the pharmacist considering the cost of my current meds cost are just under $11,000 a month,  he was irritated so I let it drop and left with script in hand.

Since I’ve called #Sacha for support and the after math of yesterday made its way into next day, I often go on delayed reaction and I’m aware I’m not alone in that.

So for today in the midst of the weather storm, I weather my own aftermath of yesterday. Today I blog, I journal, tomorrow maybe I’ll write the @cpso.ca

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Inner Child Series and Ethics

I speak only for myself as what sits well with me and what doesn’t. Over the course of many years having travelled both as a Patient and a Facilitator, Counsellor & Coach. I bring about a 2 sided view & I have reached an age where I have chosen what feels right sometimes despite the opinions of others. I will prefix this by saying I also do taken on the opinions of mentors and have a supervisor that I work with as I do not believe in functioning within a vacuum and a person one admires and respects despite disagreements is essential to delivering professional care.

I spent as many know, years lost & trapped, dazed & confused drowning in my own pain. Self medicating to the point of suicidal ideations. I remember a doctor once told me that after the numerous years he had know me “if i jumped off the CN tower, I’d be the gal to sprain my ankle”. I pushed every limit I could as i just wanted the pain to stop. Eventually after years and additional havoc added to what was already a bloody mess, I found the rabbit hole out. I worked hard I got clean, I did therapy, I reached out & got educated with degrees (yay:-).

I did what I was able too at my own pace with the support of some amazing people along the way.

I went back to school, graduated with Honours, a Certified Addiction & Mental health Counsellor & Life Skills Coach. I took workshops and courses on #flashbacks, hours of training as a facilitator and I honed my skills just to name a few. I co-founded an exit program for #StreetProstitution. I volunteered to no end and worked like a mad women. Everything that had impacted me I wanted to contribute to making a difference; from #SexualAbuse, #Neglect, #Abandonment, #Addiction, #HumanTrafficking, #StreetLife and all neatly wrapped under the label of #MentalHealth & sadly the #stigma.

To some degree I felt as if I was playing catching up, I was like a sponge wanting to soak up everything. I went from the attitude of “If life is a gift, where the hell is the fucking return counter” to some health scares as a result of past to “omg I dont wanna die now”.

I then became a parent and so wanted to be the kind of parent that was able to be emotionally present. So I worked harder and now well, I have a one women show called #BorderLineMe a slice of my life. I run a small Inner Child Series Workshop & maintain a few clients.

One thing I’ve learned is that when dealing with people as much as I want to be helpful, everyones idea of help of support differs & yes I have had to turn down clients whom I felt I was not qualified to responsibly  help. I had many including my family that wanted to be helpful but didn’t know how, wanted to help but made things worse, like salt on an open wound. I’ve been scolded, misunderstood &  I’ve been blessed to be surrounded by a small inner circle that totally gets me where I don’t have to justify or explain especially when I’m down & low on energy. I’ve had people insist on what I “should” do or be like and I’ve learned to mimic a duck, as they let it roll off their backs. Despite all this I try to be aware and seek council when entering a new therapeutic venture maybe its a lack of self trust or maybe its just my way to keeping things in check & balance but it works for me.

When creating a space for others to help themselves, its important to assess where a person is at, we all travel at our own pace, its integral to honour that.

I love what I do and I hope to continue doing so for as long as I can. I’ve come to this age, thru this path with my Nehsama, my Soul seeking not what I can get but more so what I can give.

I ran my first #InnerChildSeries as a 4 week workshop, to explore the end of 2015 to end one year and begin a new. It was unanimously requested the series continue thru out the winter which we did and now we are approaching spring. A poignant time indeed, as a result I will be starting another #InnerChildSeries to begin the end of March 2016. Our group is small, safe & intimate. For those requesting any additional info or expressed interest, please feel free to contact me at robinzilberg@me.com and I’d be happy to discuss this with you further.
At the end of it all, its about making a difference in the lives of others that makes me tick and sparks my Soul to  dance freely.

thank you and wish you all a great week

someone else pic found on fb

thank y0u @cyndi_ingle for a great shot from the fundraiser for @ElizabethFrySociety @The Spice Factory in #Hamont

Lessons, Reminders & The Art of Letting Go

Lately folks have been saying I’m looking better, younger, what’s your secret they’d ask.

I thought about it, aside from not smoking, more rest, nothing really has changed.

Oh but wait! I’m for the first time ever aside from having my daughter and we all know how wonderful but exhausting that can be,  I’m truly enjoying my life, exploring, pushing my boundaries and challenging myself to do new things such as #BorderLineMe. I feel like a kid in a grown up body. I imagine this may very well be, how a child would feel had they grown up in a loving and non abusive life. Truly this is amazing! A friend said to me, maybe you are looking so youthful because you are experiencing happy, wow, talk about a bonus cause that may very well be. And its how I want the remainder of my life to be like. I don’t want drama, I don’t want to be immersed in gossip, viciousness. I’m at the tail end of life, with health issues and a past riddled with abuse. And this happy feeling, man it’s good. I can’t think of any reason I’d want to give this up. Granted not every day is rosy, I work hard to push myself to do things that bring about the child like feelings.

But I recently had an incident which has caused me to rethink a few things, as it was incredibly abusive and I was on the receiving end. I wasn’t able to walk away, take a step back, it was totally exhausting and I highly doubt I looked youthful after that and that concerns me (not the how I look but more so the emotional health & well being factor, as its been about 20 years since I’ve been in anything abusive).  I felt verbally attacked because I was verbally attacked, a few punches on my inner child and my new found joy performing #BorderLineMe, a few racial slurs, the fact that I am a Jew came under fire to the extreme I was repeatedly called a nazi. I could not grasp or find any humour in the situation at the time, I could not step out of it, I froze and I am angry, disappointed with myself at my inability to have severed the exchange from the very beginning. The catalyst was a repost about freedom of speech, my comment was “with freedom of speech comes responsibility” what I mean is anyone can say anything to anybody but that isn’t always a good thing. Just because you can doesn’t make it right. Well it certainly taught me and now I walk more cautiously. Somehow I don’t think that our past elders fought for the right of freedom of speech with the intention or mind set of creating a justification for abuse, though who knows I could be wrong. With this I’m still struggling to let go, as it stirred past feelings, I froze as if thrown back in time. Here I allowed my inner child to play openly, I didn’t even see this coming and I was unable to protect her thru this.

So I’m heading back into therapy in order to polish my skills, to address the residual from my past, figure out why I was unable to walk away from abuse.  Because in truth all I wanna do is live out the rest of my days, drama free, enjoying the kindness, the support, encouragement, love, gentleness and child like feelings I’ve experienced in this last year. All this had nothing to do with the repost or my comment. My intention was not to disappoint the person. I’m sorry they felt that way. I had no idea at the time and I can’t imagine anyone going out of their way to disappoint someone intentionally, thats cruel, twisted & a total waste of time. But being attacked as a result of that makes me a tad shaky.

unfuck the world