It was the night before winter Solstices, the shortest day of the year, the longest night of the year. On my way to my first rehearsal having arrived early, I climbed up the stairs to the top where I found Barbara and a precocious two year old, who climbed into the cardboard box opened the jar of small plastic animals and proceeded to show me what she had, counting them, making animals sounds and giggling. Barbara commented on the amazing curiosity a child has at this stage. I remember when my daughter was that age and all through her right of passages I remember her curiosity with everything. I remember watching her in awe, totally bewildered and I probably watched her to much. She really does shine beyond belief. I was in total awe, I don’t remember having that curiosity as a child and not because I don’t remember but because that right of passing and it is a right of passage a part of the essential development of us human beings was stolen from me though childhood sexual abuse. I am so painfully aware of its absence, like a gapping black hole. I still carry the awkwardness and internal and external judgment from venturing there now in such adult years that I am. Yet having had that curiosity and innocence stolen still leaves a tainted craving to allow it to explore it at this stage, where it is no longer acceptable now may it even be possible to regain. Somethings lost cannot not be regained. I am left with that truth forever, still the emotions that are triggered at the witnessing of the curiosity of a child is bitter sweet, my eyes tear up in awe as it is such a magical state of being, such as essential part of our development and such a strange venture to continue life with its stolen absence.
And yet, life goes on years of intense darkness yet here I found myself a half century later immersed in Light. Life’s twist and turns, I always knew there was a another side of the fence though I’m not sure how I knew maybe it was that I got to periodically witness my siblings living it but regardless I just knew but I had no idea how to get there, how to jump the fence over into the light and it wasn’t a simple jump more so a process of unfolding and here I am, standing in the Light. Good things happening in my myself, productive and experiences so many new things, things I wish I could say I had dreamed of, but my dreams for the most part was surviving. I do however have a fleeting flash in pan memory when I moved to Niagara Falls and entered their high school, it was the stage that caught the corner of my eye then gone poof. I didn’t dare, I couldn’t, I shouldn’t, I was unable
the stage memory infiltrated during my first second round class with #SoulOtheatre, its moments like these that are embedded within me and rise to the light like a seed planted. Now I’m writing, preforming and in the show, from back stage into the spot light.
Sometimes I find myself aware of the awe of the changes and wonderful things happening in my life. It’s overwhelming delight that I find myself hesitant to touch and explore. Hesitancy a thread that runs from beginning but hopefully not to the end. I remind myself I am worthy, I am recouping, I am allowed to enjoy and explore this to the full extent.
Hesitancy, a thread that is so familiar to me, a life time relationship we’ve had. One that I want to sever and will do my best of my ability to break the tights that bind us, as its been like walking a tight rope. So today I retreat, gonna call it a mental health day
BorderLine Productions 