Life & Parenthood

I was told all kinds of things when I found out I was pregnant, things like; u get to relive your childhood YIKES don’t want that and if you knew my story you’d certainly understand why. I also found some folks wanna share horror stories, delivery, impact of being a smoker on the child yet to be born, don’t wanna hear that either especially in my 8 month when there is nothing I could do to turn back the clock of time and change that. Also some people think its ok to put their hands on your belly without permission because you are pregnant and its sticking out, do they do and feel that way about large breasted women as their chest also sticks out, really all pretty silly. What I did discover and what did motivate me was my child and the reality that I was going to become a #parent, the person one will have issues with and there is no running from conflict and being what I perceive a good parent to be. This was going to be quite the challenge; to learn to be connected because a child deserves that, to stand firm because a child needs that, to shift and adjust my method of #communication because anything less is inadequate in my own assessment of myself. The bottom line of all this is I learned that it was time to grow up and become the person the parent I want to see myself as. Its been hit and mis of course there are things Id do differently but insight well we all know what is said about that. Truth is my daughter to this day makes me wanna be a better me, she is a shinning light in my life and in her teens is a trying time for us both but we are remarkable and I am feeling proud. We have both made adjustments, we are both learning and instead of growing apart we seem to be growing closer. And thats my 2 cents for today, feeling blessed (photo of her first home)

Navigating thru Mental Health

I used to not take the diagnosis #BorderlinePersonality seriously and maybe back then that was my saving grace. It struck a funny bone with me, as if I was on the edge of having personality but when I was in Cuba I met some fabulous ladies and one of them specialized in Borderline personality. I learned a lot of info from her in a very short time, in a non traditional way as we were all on holidays. I reflected over what I had absorbed & learned and realized the diagnosis for me is somewhat of a perfect fit. I touch a wide array of other diagnosis as if standing on the border of them all. I felt great sadness in regards to its impact on my ability to feel close relationships, to be present in this world and the reality of my life’s experience and just how much was robbed from me as a result of environmental factors imposed on my fragility. The lack of protectiveness, safety ran a muck and I drown and just as I thought it was my last breath. A gust of wind swooped me away into the land of recovery into a new journey, where I learned to claim my voice, to forgive, to travel in a new healthier direction and as a result of a lot of work, time, leaps of faith and effort I now find myself here, with a beautiful daughter, loving family and friends, a homeowner, a volunteer and my own one women show #BorderLineMe, not in my wildest dreams. This is a long way from being on the streets, hidden in dark corners, speechless and feeling re victimized as a result of my inability to know how to be. I am a child in a grown up body, its Monday & not in Kansas anymore.

getting a grip on my crazy, things are looking up

This is a rewrite, cause that’s what happens when you don’t save your work and as a result, something new. I’ve stood still, looked around and found most the people I know volunteer, they are doing what they can to make the  world a better place and that made me smile.

I struggle with ups and downs. I’m grateful my downs are fairly short lived but they are intense. I live in a crazy world. Where refined sugars and Ritalin run a muck on a planet that has made plants illegal and pharmaceutical widely prescribed. Where in some states it’s illegal to feed the homeless and the film industry throws outrageous amounts of food out due to any legality issues that might surface. Where the food industry tosses away a ridiculous amount of food out, not because it’s gone bad but it’s not deemed perfect visually. Where living off the grid or speaking of climate change is illegal. Where being arrested for marihuana can result in more time than committing rape. Am I crazy, some would say yes.

What really goes on in my mind. Yes I’m the gal who can get lost while using my gps that is normal for me at times. I am super sensitive to the energy of others, to my environment & I think the world has gone mad, everything is upside down and backwards. 

Best I can do is grab hold of the humour of it all as it seems to have crossed the line into the ludicrous . This is where I live.

Welcome to earth

I’ve worked in the field of social services, as a child & youth care worker, case management, street outreach, addictions, corrections & mental health. 

I’ve been on both sides of the fence, as a patient/client and as a staff person in social services I found that within the field of social services, particularly mental health, the stigma runs high. I can’t image how those working in the field can be helpful with their pre conceived biases, it makes me sad and angry. I often felt as if I was the gerbil running the wheel, desperate to get off but working within a system that’s so messed up. There are great workers with all social service areas and my heart goes out to them as well. I know the frustration all to well. I remember watching the movie “Monster” and thinking, we as a society have created this yet we are so quick to judge. The powers that be, you know the ones who have established societies norms and laws are not necessarily interested in our well being. I am a pond in their game, a nobody and I am aware that. But I am surrounded with amazing people who donate their time, their talents because “giving” outweights receiving and it is what life is about. I am a believer in the butterfly effect and I once wrote my own own eulogy, the exercise helped me to gain a solid access to my own measuring stick, it gave me direction and created a solid path for me, for which I am so grateful. When I think about my last day here in this vehicle on this planet I want to feel as if I’ve done things that have impacted others in a positive way. I want to feel proud of how I lived my life and what I contributed. For more than half my life I was lost and on the run as I couldn’t stand to be present, the pai, the abuse, the horrors of mankind riddled away at my soul, shredding and crumbling my foundation. So now I’m rebuilding recreating patching strentgheing the core base. I am creating new happy memories & though the past still rears its ugly head, I will not stop, I will not drowned, I will take breaks and I will shift my focus at times in order to survive and make it back home. I cradle my soul, as it is precious. I am so grateful today

Just trying to hold onto my sanity thru it all because with me I carry the a tormented soul

I’m on the mend despite this crazy world we live in.